Sitting in a tea cup drinking wine from a glass...

I've moved.

2006-04-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm over here!!!

http://www.myspace.com/heathersinnott

La Belle Vie

2006-02-10T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'm picking up and feeling better.
Thank God. I can't seem to function like that. Someitmes I just crash. It sux. I guess everyone does sometimes I'm just having a rough year so far. I have been working constanly since Dec on theater plays. And I have another coming up, Lisistrata soon that I am working on the costumes for. Next after that is Alice through the Looking glass, like a sequel to alice in wonderland, it is super elaborite but I'm excited. I'm the scenic artist, I paint the sets and do all the detail work and specific feature pieces for the play. It's the part of my schooling that I love in my program and sooo look forward to finishing and working in the theatre union, or just working in my area. I have completly fallen in love with tech theater. Though the last theater festival I worked in (last week) I had to do all the lighting and I really don't enjoy that aspect of it., For someone who has grown up on stage I love all the behind the scenes thing and not so concerned with acting. I feel like I finnaly found something that combines my gifts and that I really enjoy. My god I'm a techee. not excatly the typical nerd with classes you remeber in highschool but this art of creating atmosphere is insane. It ties in soo much with my art and is changing what I do.
I;ve been thinking alot about putting together an installation piece. soo cool I would have nowhere to put it but I want to try it. I have all these conceptual ideas I'm putting together and I son't really know where to start.as well as alot of combinations of preforamnce, dance and painting art and video art. I don't know just lots of things taking me away from my tradition role as the painter. I have become obsessed with printmaking in wood cut and have been letting my creativity explode as well as really facing issues I believe in or are dealing with or struggle with. But it's transforming my art like crazy. Still so into the music scene with my work and obsessed with stage and jazz subjects I am evolving and changing the way I see and the way I interperate it all. I;'m also working alot with movement and gesture in human forms. I just can't wait for my exhibition in April here in Lennoxville and I got asked to submit for another exhibit in march in toronto for missionfest (which I have been apart of years beofre but been away) and another in next year for the Eastern Township artists exhibiting in a main, big gallery in Sherbrooke My work is also being published this year in 2 books for bishops, well one is a magazine. I was in it last year and it is a collection of the students work called paper gallery. Also the Mitre which is a book of publications from the universtiy put our every year for like the past 50. I find I am making some good contacts I am just dying to get back home to Toronto to get myself involved in shows and get myself together. I have lots of big dreams and Ideas that some are pretty far out there, some are attainable but one big step for me is to have a solo exhibition. I think that would be amazing. anyway lot's of fun and excitement.
On my way to QC city tomorrow for valentines day.very excited to see the art and enjoy the music and food.
xo Heather

so.. this is my heart.

2006-01-29T23:15:00.000-08:00

sitting awake.
endless sleepless nights.
in a similar situation but somehow better.
disconnected from the world.
hiding in my mountains
I wait.
I listen,
in my own strange way I seek out truth but I am left still feeling unsatisfied.
Questions surround me.
why?
i hate to admit I haven't touched this blog thing in months. and I feel so built up with thoughts and feelings they need to come out.
they don't make sence. jumbled twisted and a big mes nearly impossible to figure out.
My rescue? my release of insanity.

I broke.
finally I broke.
God nailed me and I broke.
it was good and scary but I still can't figure what I'm afraid of.
afraid to dream big?
afraid to run with Him?
Fly with Him?
I still feel filled with tears.
My heart aches with every sappy commercial or kind gesture,
like a kiddy pool waiting to burst from a fat guy sitting in it.
what is there?
what is the problem and why?
why why why why why why why.
I run I never stop.
I run and run away,
far from here, far from me.
there's still so much more changing.
in every good thing I mean the past 5 months I have made major progress..
I choose not to see it.
I tear myself repeatedly.
I don't see the change that has occured just more things I want to change.
I want to change.
perhaps this is good?
but I leave in a state of superficial happiness with myself seeking out more things I need to change, things I want to change, But I fight with me. I fight with God while he does it..
I am moving I am growing, but this state of numb rebellion is killing me.
fighting to change, fighting to grow.
The song that comes from me is the most desperate cry fromt he deepest place
please. hear me.
for this agony in my heart to stop.
I am becoming more passionate.
for life. for people. for my future.
this is good.
but the changing stirs my every inch inside me Dad,
your teaching me and preparing me.
but does any of this make sence?
you see me. watch over me love me and hold me but in changing me and preparing me I feel so left alone.
and when I am wrenched and have nothing left, I am wrenched more.
I know in my heart that there is purpose and reason,
but why isn't change easy?
Keep doing whatever it is that you are doing but help me.
I can't do it alone.

halloween #2

2005-11-01T12:49:00.000-08:00

God pick me up,
help me to see.

anyways.. enough of my heart.
2nd halloween, we saw this crazy baxnd last night it was awesome!

off to painting class

2005-11-01T12:27:00.000-08:00

missing classes, hectic busy and going crazy.
coffee, cigareetes and stress.
I can't seem to get a handle on things..
I have been trying but with this heavier course load I seem to just be falling not flying like I love to do.
I am working hard yet my objectives aren't as raised as last year.
My marks aren't as high and my head is in th clouds.
I can't seem to get down.
I am yearning to be settled
and with all the plans to come like moving to Japan I feel a little lost trying to find me.
Overwhelmed by the littlest things, loosing more and more weight trying to stay focused.
I'm wasting away...
My mind id tired my soul is weak.
I am trying to stay with God through all of this but I find that I easily forget that I am strong in him.
I'm having fun, living life but don't seem quite as happy as I have been.
why?
Can you live a life without God? Full and satisfying?
I'm experiencing not.. at least a life that my who concentration isn't on God right now, I feel too busy for him. Sorry that sounds bad but my house is a mess my dog won't shut up, I study constanly and I'm always at school , in class or doing homeowrk or working in the plays and it's hard to have quality time with Luke let alone God.
I have to keep remebering that university is hard and I can't expect to do it with little effort.
I work hard, I try to keep my head up and I don't even know if I look forward to the future when I'm done.
Going back to reality, work and proper living.
A career, real life with tough challanges and real decisions.
A family, closeness, intimacy with more than just me and Luke.
This place is like a little hiding place for us. an escape from the real world.
A place where it is just us.
do I want to run away from the world?
But I still seek the relationships I am away from?
I love and miss the people I'm away from I miss them I miss being with them but the resposibility that is in Ontario my home is even more overwhelming than this.
frig, everything rolls up like bails of hay, snowballing forward to run me over.

happy halloween!

2005-10-31T09:57:00.000-08:00

so our halloween here at the school was on Thursday but it was great and we had an amazing time. Though I can't seem to understand why everyone here insists on doing shrooms here at my school on halloween... I can't tell you how many people had bad trips including a friend who landed flat on her face from passing out... sucks. Why on earth would you do this to yourself? I don't get it and I don't think I ever will. Well Luke and I were scandeloous, a schoolgirl and a stripper it was waaay too funny. Luke and his 3 buddies were all stippers and oh my gosh let me tell you how many people lined up for lap dances. haha kidding of course though I love my sexy husband and I was the only girl who recieved his lapdances! cute boy he makes me laugh. anyway here's a pic it was great!

the awakening

2005-10-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

Though my body sleeps my mind is awake.

Do I dare dream of those things I am so uncertain of.

Posed questions, how far would you go for a dream..

How far would I go, well I'm here,

no matter how big my dreams get they seem to just get bigger.

Why does this scare me so much?

I sleep, though I do not rest.

I dream but I get nightmares.

Sleepless nights of my mind and wrestling in my body cause a forever longingness to seek rest.

Calm my heart and mind,

sleep in me.

Rest in me new streams of life.

Discovery of self of the artist within.

Seeking full and vibrant, overflowing of security and newfound treasures.

Create in me desire,

awake my soul and sing.

surviving the craziness

2005-09-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

SooooOoOoOoo Sleepy and spaced out but I am surviving the school year. Sorry I have dissapeared.. I don't think anyone noticed anyway.. haha

Photos on blogger??

2005-06-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

so I have been trying to figure out how the heck everyone has been uploading photos onto blogger. Now I see and I am excited! very cool.

soo bored today I have absolutly nothing to do and I have nothing to talk about.

hot husband...

2005-06-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

mmmm... yummy

Photography by: Trayc Dudgeon
www.imageriphoto.ca

tooth delema

2005-06-21T10:25:00.000-07:00

I am freaking out. I haven't slept in 4 days. My mouth is killing me I wish I had no teeth. no but really my mouth feels like someone is drilling into my mouth 24/7. My wisdom teeth are coming in and let me tell you it is hell when something is wrong. Last year I got tooth #1 in, didn't hurt didn't even think twice about it. so #2 is coming in right now. and it has been fine untill this weekend. Oh my gosh all of a sudden pain, it was awful! I nearly passed out and I can't sleep it kept me up all night. so thinking something myust be wrong I went to the dentist yestersday. Well it is impacted and stuck. oops theres not enough room in my mouth. that sux. b/c now it's impacted and infected and I am going crazy. They all need to be taken out. This is awful. Plus I have a really little mouth and I have been warned that a breaking the jaw might come into play. I am freaked out. so think of me I have to go to the surgeon on the 13th of july. then... surgery. dum dum dummmmm. bah I hate the hospital and I hate being in pain. poop

2005-06-09T09:57:00.000-07:00

so I realize that my last post may have been a little riskay. But whatever, no masks with me baby. I'm as open and honest as they get.

I think I got out of the loop with this blogger thing. I find when I'm frusterated and need to vent I tend to write more and in school b/c I have tension this is release for me.

I am happy right now.

wow God has really been changing me I notice this. I care again. I went through a season of bitterness that caused me not to care for people. I care again. oh thank God! I want to help people and love them and invest and pour into them. I miss that caring sweet part of me. After last year I seemed to leave ontario with this bitter taste in my mouth. But it's like I have finally forgiven and left it. Lately God has been moving in me and touching my heart, again. Finally. I have been miserable and dry for a long time. I actually feel happy and I want to smile and I want to talk with people and share with them and bless them I am going oput of my way to encourage people and help them. Finally me again. where have I been and how could I forget how much I love this part of me? that this is me full and soft hearted?
glad to be back.

mmm. sex.

2005-06-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

that's all I wanted to say...

I am reading this book right now called "Sheet Music" I reccommend it to EVERYONE that is getting married or is married. MMMmmm Hot, good, fun, sex. I realize that wow God is a genious and He totally knew what he was doing when he made us. So Cool of him just to design pleasure buttons all over our bodies! God designed us to pleasure our spouces just to have fun and do it' and enjoy each other! Ahh! I am overwhelmed. God is too good.

sorry to all of my single friends reading this that want a hubby but I have to express this and shout it out, I have become so excited (hah, not that way you pervs..) from reading this book. it has made me feel like shouting from roof tops!

Sorry. But.. you'll see what I mean, too much fun. mmmmmmm...

shaken and angry

2005-05-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

that's it.
that's my mood.
about a bunch of different people's shit.
I hate when people lie, make you look like crap and only fend for themselves.
I am seeing more and more the dissapointing devient nature of the enviroment I have been set in. It is a season. I hope that God will give me strength to fight to gaurd myself and keep going.
I want to go home. To my genuine loving family.
I feel trapped.
I feel let down, dissapointed and once again Lied to.
I hate this.
I can't help but feel lately a spirit worthlessness and constant dissapointement.
I feel used and Unappritiated.
funny that when i try to talk to someone about it they say, oh that's and "ungogly belief" but you know if i feel it I don't nessisarily thing it's and ungodly belief, It would be if I felt that all the time. butI don't believe it in ever case of my life I feel it in this one area.
I am seeing a dirty side of this place interesting that it's not clean as it appears....
I want to paint but not out of force out of life and love and me.
I want to express but I feel boggled down.
rules and restrictions. I have no space of my own.
bull shit.

See you later

2005-05-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

We'll miss you.
Can't believe another person is gone.
this is #3 for me this year..
Loosing people is hard especially when you have known them for so long.
I mean.. I grew up in sunday school with him.
Can you posibly imagine leaving this earth with never finding love..
Can you imagine leaving at only 23?
What a short lived load of shit.
I don't understand but know that He is with God.
I can't help but feel pissed off and grieve but also know that He's happier now than ever,
See you Will.

Jesus is crazy

2005-05-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

holy crap, k not literally, but! Jesus is crazy!!!
I went into my exams and had sime damn good marks I must say but! I was told that there's pretty much no way thatI'm getting much higher than a 70 in Chemistry even though I kicked my ass all year soo disapointed I prayed when I went into my final and asked for favor!!! I put my hands onmy exam and said Jesus Help me!! I got back my final marks today
History of Photography 75% poop oh well next time
Survey of Western Art 81% wahoo!
Art abd Education 88% Holy crap
roman art 95% Oh my I am super blessed
and those marks for my scholarship but!!! I still had to wait on Chemistry the hardest freakin class ever!! well I got my mark back and after being told there is no way I could get higher than 70% in the class final markJesus was freakin good to me I left the year with a whopping 86% all I can say is Thank you Jesus and more favor for my scholarship evaluation.
I don't know what happened excpet is all of a sudden clicked God is soo good!
so this week I have been sitting on my bum and waiting till monday when I start work. Oh my mom surprised me with clothes and soo cute shoes! I CAN''T WAIT till we have some money I want to shop.
missing the mall soo many good sales rightnow. Going Downtown tomorrow with my mommy. Love it!
xoxo such a good week had soo much inner healing in my parents basement a couple days ago really weird the asement of all places. I was honest with myself about somestuff and wowo God is really good when you repent. anyway enough of that I feel good and Luke even noticed he came home from work and was like! what happened you re totally different!!
Love it. wonderful. anyway bye!

Pruning

2005-04-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

I've noticed this morning that my life seems to get a little more productive and better when I experience pruning. I mean it definatly hurts and sux at the time but the aftermath is so much morerewarding than any other experience. Like ther is is a type of new growth.

In the last apt my husband and I lived in I had a garden in the back I remmeber everyday in the sumer I would go and take care of my garden everyday there were newthings that the Lord would speak to me about. I remeber now that there were 2 dead rose bushes that were particualrly dead. I knew thay had to come out of the garden. I tugged everyday. I think when I left I had finally ripped one out. I rememebr God speak to me about those rose bushes and how they symbolized 2 major people in my life that needed to be pruned and taken out by the roots b/c they were dead in my garden and were only rotting. I think I finally understand ewho the 2nd bush was.. and since then there has been so much growth in my garden. Everything seems to healthy and new little rosebushes are starting to grow.

So Far I have experience 4 major prunings, many little ones but these 4 have been significant. 3 were apart of me for the majority of my life. But once they were pruned I really felt God to take hold and rip out those roots. b/c he didn't want those bits and pieces apart, he wanted clean soil. Atfer many cuts and bruises they came out. It was tough but it was okay it left at first this huge gap in the earth but somehow it filled and new things started to grow. I feel really fortunate today to see that God really does seem to know what he's doing and it is a privelage for him to love me so much he wants to take care of my garden.

I'm working this summer taking care of gardens.. interesting, more teachings I think. But Ilook forward to it. I used to be this huge weeded mess and it's nice to finally see some clarity and beauty coming forward.

study study study

2005-04-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

working hard, I hvae finished everything except my killer exam on monday, Chemistry. But I feel good about it for once. I'm not really worried.

I have recieved alot of my final marks so far and everything has been over 80% yeah!! there's hope for my scholarship.

Oh I dreamt soo much last nigght. what does that mean?

as soon as I finish my final exam I'm onto painting!! I am finally going to finish this place. Spare bedroom and hallway. I love it.

forget this back to studying.

I have nothing to blog anymore

2005-04-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

I am soo tired and trying to figure out ways to procrastinate since I am soo good at it.

I am in the middle of writing this chemistry paper. honestly, I hate it. I't swritten well but it's oo boring and I think it is crap. I have a 70% in mychem calss and I'm just trying to raise that shitty mark. I have worked so hard and I just can't seem to do any better than I am.
oh shit I just remembered I have to write a letter to the scholarship commity. GIVE ME FREE MONEY! I hope. I found out I am just 3 credits short of recieving it so I have to write a letter to appeal. They will tell me by July. Jesus, favor. Please.

I have 2 more exams to write and one is this photo exam. I am writing it on photographic means used in adverstising and art in the 1960's-1980's. soo interesting. yah right. well Iguess it could be it's just that at this moment I am sick of it all and just want to be done. I got an amazing 100% on one of my term papers and I was asked to study privatley under one of profs next year. I'm really excited, and feel soo honoured. I'm happy that my hard work is paying off.
soon we go home. thank God I am dying to see my family and hacve some time to relax and see my friends, I miss them waaayy too much. Then it's off to work I'm looking forward to it but not looking forward to the huge gas bill everyday and back from brampton to Oakville. and ugg, early morning starts at 5:30 am which means that I'm gonna have to be waking up at like 4:15 just to make it to work on time. :P sour face.
Nothing exciting happening, just trying to get through all of this, it is beautiful ooutside +15 everyday people have sunburns!! and I am stuck inside writing these damn things.
GET DONE ALREADy!

Well back to it.
love ya xo

school is over!

2005-04-13T19:21:00.000-07:00

wow I can't believe how fast this year has gone.
I sit here school is over... crazy.
I have an exam tomorrow bright and early 8am and then onto the theatre dept to get my papers signed... I've picked up a minor in theatre. and ahh I found the perfect job for me today but I have to wait till I'm finished my degree. I've really noticed and am amazinged by the amount of jobs for uni grads. it's kinda crazy and they pay so good! even entry level positions. so I'm exceited to graduate and start cool jobs like this! working for a childrens tv show!! costume design soo exciting I was so exciited then I read, job req, BA, and what ever else. I met everyone excep t sadly have to wait 1 1/2 more years to finish the BA but excited for afterwards!!

welll I have 2 more exams this week and I have to teach a painting class on Friday which I love!!
2 papers Chemistry and Photography and one more chem exam and I'm done!!! trying not to panic but just keep my peace. I will do fine.

I look forward to working in the grass as the golfcourse, driving my grass cutter and bathing in the beautiful sun all day long!! early mornings and afternoons of free golf! wahoo! soon very soon, I just want to get back to mississauga and be with my friends and family I've had enough of quebec for now. time to go home

back to studying!

weddings weddings weddings!

2005-04-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

well it's a summer of weddings and babies!

3 weddings so far this summer and one engaged that hasn't decided it's date. One of my best friends is having a baby and 2 other people I know all due within a week of each other, and I got asked to work for a salon in streetsville doing wedding updo's on weekends! excellent! I am soo excited! Not sure what's gonna happen with the updo's thing b/c I work every other weekend at Glen Abbey but we will see what happens. I should only get called in every now and then I hope it works.

so we had 4 people announce engagement already in the past couple months including 2 of Luke's cousins, brothers! Poor mom she's gonna loose both her babies inthe same summer! I would go nuts! Empty nest syndrome!

so this is random b/c I am escaping the world of homework. I am in crunch time 2 weeks left of school and I have a million exams and term papers! yucky anyway should go,
xox Heather

Updates on Freshwind??? I'm soo undone!

2005-03-27T12:33:00.000-08:00

Anyone? I'm dying to know how it went. I was watching online, (gay me but I was desperate) 10,000 youth gathering to hear about God just hits me in the right spot.
Let me know anyone!!!

so coolest thing happened today, I went to church here in my little french town, I figured I'm by myself, I have nothing to do I might as well get my ass out of bed. So I went to church, I love that the P& H church here is really low key, the only thing is they are switching over from PAOC and so they still have a little bit of the "christian rules" well more like tied in the religious role and rules, there not 100 % free yet! (no offence to all the PAOCers out there, I grew up in a penicostal church, i just love the freedom that God has given us all I hate that we get so caught up in rules that the church has given us that God never designed for us.)

so anyway, they are dying for God to bring the river there, they are a church of worshippers. It's really inspiring cause there so hungry it makes me realize how lucky I am that I really got to experience God for real at such a young age. Anyway, the pastor was praying for God to release the Prophetic, I thought that was amazing b/c I've never seen them open to this stuff before, it's why I'm afraid to sing on their worship team when they ask. God uses me Prophetically like crazy but I never felt released by them and out of respect for what I thought they believe I kept my mouth shut, well as soon as he said release the prophetic I looked at this boy in front of me and I got soo many words for him, afraid, I didn't say anything. it's pretty normal for me to get words but I didn't want to freak anyone, as I looked around the room God was giving me words for everyone I looked at like He was exposing their hearts and their rough stuff their going through and the gifts that would be released to them.. it was awesome. I saw their calling potential and future of the church. The amazing thing is I fought with this the whole service wanting to tell this boy these words, and one was gifts of healing, guess what at the end of the service he prayed for a man and his shoulder was healed! I was so excited and had to hold myselfback from going over to talk to him. i wanted to so badly run over there and pray for them and bless them but I couldn't do it.

Again I'm not an avid member of this church I don't feel like I should minister to people unless I'm released by the pastor, I mean who am I to them, I could be some wacko off the street. The Pastor knows Luke and I and our parents but the congregation doesn't know me and I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. but I was given a word at the beginning of the school year that we would be a voice here, That I was here to take back the ground that the enemy has stolen. (Bishops use to raise up pastors to send all over North america to start Churches since the 1800's it has a powerful history, now it's one of the top 10 party schools in North america The enemy has stolen it's inheritance) well today I chose to not use my voice, bohoo for me, I wanted to so bad but still didn't feel released to give the words. I was kicking myself on the way home, But I'm learning when and when and when not to share prophetic words b/c sometimes there just meant for prayer. So I trudged up the hill to my house (we live in the mountains) and stopped at the flower shop to buy some gerber daisies and orchids to cheer myself up. (side note to boys, girls best friend pretty flowers and diamonds! haha) I got to the house and began to study still beating myself up why didn't I say anything, "swallow you fear and just do it! why didn't you just do it??" I've not really had this problem, I'm on the prophetic team in Toronto at home and I always go and follow when God wants me too. and lately I've been feeling so dry and needing this and then it comes and nope I can't do it! Last week someone said to me that maybe I'm feeling dry lately with the Lord is b/c he's designed me to be more creative with him. I'm not called to settle for the same old same old but to always want more and never be satisfied just to constantly looking to him. More creative, to find the authentic creative relationship I have with him so deep, but I don't ever really think about it.

well I'm not really sure what happned except I felt like God comfort me and tell me it was okay to not speak to that Boy. That I was suppose to pray for him instead with the knowledge I was given about him and his family it was meant for prayer, so I nealt down as far as I could, I mean face to the ground I felt like I was in such an amazing place like infront of the throne. (k I'm really speaking christanese I apologize) but I began to interceed for them and the church and the school and I started to cry and ah what felt like 5 mintues was 1 1/2 hours!

Right now I feel like this place of unwravelling I've felt for the past week, this brokeness was exactly what I needed to be in the vulnerable place so that God could speak to me. wow an amazing easter for me, alone with no husband what started as a very depressing day has ended up in an amazing day of revelation and growth. And I can't stop worshipping, I am in my apt alone with the dog singing on the top of my lungs off the balcony and all around the house. My neighbors must think I'm nuts but for the first time in ages I am open and soft hearted and feeling like it's okay. I'm just recieving Love..

I am so undone, I love it.

I miss my husband!

2005-03-25T18:30:00.000-08:00

Wining me He's been gone for 1 day and I'm going crazy without him. It's just me and the dog, my mosterous dog. I love her don't get me wrong but she just kinda lays there like a ball of fur.
Soo Heres the story., I was suppose to come down for easter this weekend with Luke to surprie our families, BUT!! I got stacked with 2 exams next week. 2 term papers and a teaching lesson. I'm swamped. eww, I hate that and I had to stay home to finish. Luke is dying to see his family b/c they were in australia the last time we came so he hasn't seen them since christmas. So I told him to go without me, Now I'm going nutty without him, BUT I am getting tons of work done, so that is a positive. Sorry to whine. I miss my hunny, and I was really looking forward in going to a few sessions of freshwind. soo that is my night tonight, I 've eated like 12 cookies in the past 2 days, that is not good. I need him to keep me sane and keep me from eating cookies (haha) anyway, I pray for Monday. and for those at freshwind, pray for freshwind to come to my house, it's needs some rain.
xo

I sit here quiet

2005-03-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

I sit here quiet and pretend I'm listening.
I know I'm probably not but really want to hear from God right now..
Or do I?
I have been facing some really tough days,
Not just achedemically, (although I am feeling drowned in school work)
But emotionally..
I realize that those that read my blog must think I am a train wreck.
I guess I just express my self best when I'm kinda a mess.
I think and the stuff comes out like 'word vomit'
all the stuff I feel that I stuff down so well,
It's like tetris in here.
Just comes out.
But when I finally start to unravel I come all undone.
This last mess has hit me hard.
God I though this was a time of rest, filling and growth?
I'm still being dug,
deep.
I real something in the CTF maq yesterday , this man was dug for 2 years straight,
2 years!
Dry as a desert and feeling lost.
It's been a year at least and when I think everything is finally getting better,
something else lands hard.
It's times like these that I feel it hardest to go to God.
When I need to but I know I will just ball my eyes out.
then what have I solved?
Nothing..
I still feel the same and my head is still a mess.
I hate that I speak my mind.
at least right now I do.
I hate that I am concerned so much for others,
I hate that when I m honest and truthful I get into trouble.
I hate when I am misunderstood and ...
that I seem to pull myself close to people that are messed up.
I guess I think I can help but in the end I always the one that gets hurt.
Why do I have to be this way?
Why was I made this way?
Why do I fail when I try so hard?
"I'm a pusher, I push too hard sometimes though..."
My genuine concern lands me in deep shit.
Knee high I seem to swim in it.
Past relationships have flashed through my head for the past 2 days.
what am I doing wrong?
why does the pattern never break?
True friendship.. shouldn't it be trusting enough to tell the truth?
Am I suppose to put on a mask I hate so much?
I am trying to search myself for answers,
I dont' feel I did anything wrong though what I said was mis interpreted,
now I have been shut out.
I feel betrayed and letdown.
I hate the quick slit of the throat,
I think it hurts more.
I'd almost rather die a slow and painful death.
RIP,
I wish I could.
I miss you.

so I'm not dead. just away

2005-03-22T10:36:00.000-08:00

so I'm not dead though parts of my life are dying.
I guess this old garden needed some pruning and while procrastinating I
guess God took it into his own hands.
I cannot help but feel loss when I get pruned,
parts of me I don't want to let go,
people I love and cherish but something alwasy goes wrong,
is it me am I the problem?
Or do I just pick the wackos?
Well for me girls are hard to trust and as soon as I get close it happens,
and I've been stomped again.
I think this time by the least likely person I thought possible.
So this is my lesson,
I need to pick up not get bitter and not let myself close (like I'm oh so good at doing),
I guess these things happen and there's nothing I can really do to stop it.
although I do see a trend starting here.
for the past 6 years, every 2 years I get stomped by the closest girlfriend to me.
I hate this b/c it hurts so much.
stomped yuck like a bug .
oh well better luck next time.

sleeping in a soup bowl

2005-03-09T20:14:00.000-08:00

k so I dropped off the face of the earth. But for me right now that's okay. I am tired. We just had our midterm break last week and instead of relaxing I had somekind of violent foodpoisoning flu thing. It was awful. I lost 6 llb in 2 days. Not exactly the healthiest way I'd like to loose weight, but now relaize that bulemia really works! hahah!!! k that was something not funny to joke about. But funny to me. ANYWAY! I'm sur I'll get bitched at by someone for that comment.

well I am in my final 6 weeks of the end of semester and it is kicking my butt. Part of me wants to and tries to procrastinate but I have so much to do I will be screwed if I do. I have been not blogging well b/c I'm on achedemic excellence standing right now. In other words I'm waiting on a 4000$ scholarship and If I can raise to a 90% average the school will give me free money figure that! Since I have none this concept sounds great to me. so there it is. I'm kicking my butt. I must say with how much work it is it feels amazing to get back every paper, assignment or exam with an 85% or higher. Especially since I barely passed highschool, but i never tried maybe that's why. I was too stoned and I frankly didn't care. well my second chance and it feels soo good.

Life is busy, right now I'm suppose to be in New York on a School trip, they should make those things free. I also have to miss the italy and jordan excavations in May, Boo hoo for me I am not one of the redicualously wealthy children that attend this fine school. at 3 thousand bucks a pop, I can stay home.

I have loved this year though. Out of the many things I have learned one I have is I love tequila. So don't get me wrong I'm not a lush, it's just good to go out everynow and then. and tequila is great fun.

I am on the steps of quitting smoking. Yes I've done it before but this time I really don't want to smoke. I'm on day 4 and as much as I love cigarettes, I hate feeling like shit all the time. I want to substitute for working out. Even if I become a workout freak I remember how good it felt to feel fit and clean inside. I'm sick of feeling fat and sick. eww, fat. I have a bad obsession. I'm sure the amazing america's next top models and sick makeover shows I am obsessed with help my problem, if anything they make me more consious of what I want to change. anyway I hate this conversation. I'll shut up. M point was I want to quit now I hate feeling this way and actually the past 4 days haven't been hard, only today have I even thought of smoking since. so good for me.

well back to school work. I am looking forward to being done. one more year then my honours and teachers college, so maybe that's not so close but each year down is good.
xoxome

Burnt out

2005-02-21T11:20:00.000-08:00

so I'm back to no blogging and you know just haven't had time. I'm burnt out. With all that has happened with my grandma and school I have not stopped or slept in about 2 weeks. when I do it's usually during the day and I sleep for hours and don't wake up.

I think I quit my job today.. no it's not a typo I think I did. I need to give a definate yes in a bout a week. I don't think they were very happybut I just can't do it all. I've been burning the wick at both ends since oh I don't know, since we got married and I have crashed a few times but this time I really need to stop doing something. So the job seemed to be the thing that needed to go. I couldn't really cut out school it's a little important. with the competition of teachers college, and maintaning my scholarship, I just can't risk it. So possibly causing more stress in my brain I need to stop hopefully I won't be cuaseing finacial stress as we only have 2000$ to live off for the next 2 1/2 months. I've been fininding I've been falling behind becuase I miss class b/c I am so exhausted. It's too much for me. And now I feel bad cause Luke gave me this amazing Digital Camera for Valentine's Day for all of my hard work and never complaining... well so much for that. I'm complaining, collasping and overwhelmed by how much I have to do and how much I have been doing for 3 weeks. I haven't had any time for myself in ages. I'm either working or studying or in class, My Tuesdays' I have class from 8am - 4pm then work 4pm - 11pm. and most days are like this. Even the weekend I work a 9 hour shift on saturdasy and choose to take no breaks so that I can get paid in full. so If you can understand this you can understand I am going to die soon if I keep going.

School is so important to me I have been working so hard and if I maintain an average of 85% the school gives me 2000$ a year. now that really cuts back the 12,000$ we pay in tuition(combined). Right now my average is 87% it I raise it to 90 they give me 4000$ if I go below 80 I get nothing. so I have a bit on my plate right now. and next year I'm taking on even more classes.

JESUS HELP ME.

well in all the madness I have pulled off some great midterm marks my lowest was a 78% so far and last night I nailed my teaching/presentaion type of thing, more explination, it wasn't really a presentaiton I had to teach a class. And wow it was like the real me came out. My dad and mom always say I light up on a stage and this was like a stage for me. I felt free, and happy. Like really happy something that has beeen chipped away at a lot lately.

I have enrolled in some xtra figure drawing classes, I know more on my plate but believe it or not it doesn't feel like more just release for me. It tkaes a lot of people to get past the nudity but taking these classes freeing my mind and developing my talents is really good for me. working at the art history part of my degree this year was good for me to get back in to the achedemic side but I miss my studio work soo much. Next semester to give myself a break I am going to to almost atll studio, it's different mindset and I just feel like I need it. I love it and I can't forget about everything I love doing in the rush of finishing my degree.

well I guess theres not much more of this left and I need to enjoy my uni years but I just feel out of it right now. I need to go finish a chem assignment. see ya

in an instant

2005-02-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

In a an instant my heart is aching
my mind is racing and she's gone.
Never to return but to be with God.
I guess that's a good thing
but to me and my family here on earth,
we have to cope.

My grandma died tonight,
2 hours ago, my dad called 10 minutes after she left us.
My mom's a mess and I'm out of it.
I just can't seem to gather my thoughts.
she went as peacefully as she could,
Dying from vigerous cancer isn't exactly the easiest thing.
my dad said that everyone was singing to her, worshipping when she went.
she was my inspiration, my strength,
a true strong woman of God.
so that sounds "christian"
but it's true.
she is the most amazing woman I've ever met.
I didn't get to say goodbye,
and all I want is for God to tell her I love her.
Pray for us.
It's too hard.

trois reviere vs sherbrooke

2005-02-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

Hockey. a boy thing, Luke is at this game right now with his friend john and I am at work! can you believe it! well I guess I'm not really alloud to complain b/c I was asked to go... no thanks.

so I am here, it's dry and cold in this room.

anyway oh I had so much fun last night, Luke and I went dancing with friends and we danced for 2 hours straight! my legs are killing me today. Plus I've been doing my pilateslike mad so the body is aching like crazy.

I met this girl in the washroom last night and her nose was bleeding everywhere. her friend said it was no big deal that that always happens to her when she does coke.
Okaaaay! wow and she wasn't kidding I found out our school has one of the biggest coke problems in all the uni's in canada.
I guess it's b/c it's not just poor kids smoking pot it's rich kids who can afford good drugs. crazy.

well I have a few very busy weeks ahead of me starting with a midterm on monday and then another on tuesday. I feel a little swamped b/c I have so much due other than those two tests but know that that is just the begining is scary. anyone out there? PRAY FOR ME PLEASE!

ooo la la

2005-02-01T17:27:00.000-08:00

Je suis si Heureux que nous allons à la foire d'hiver dans la ville de québec pour la Saint-Valentin ! Un SOIR ROMANTIQUE AVEC MON HUNNY ! Je suis tres tres tres Bon!

translation

I'm Soo happy, we are maybe going to Quebec City for Valentine's Day!! a romantic weekend with my hunny!

We are going to the la foire de neige, it's like the winter fair with tons of cool ice sculptures and fun things I love!YEAH I have the best husband ever!!

My German + Randomness

2005-02-01T10:48:00.000-08:00

My friend Karla and I have had an ongoing joke about owning our own Germans, exchange students that is. Dating back to 9th Grade, we thought the exchange program was great. As we learned German in class. She got really good at it and actually went on exchange to Germany, now she's got her degree in Lauguages and Political Science and works for the European Gov translating somewherem get that! Anyway I always remember Nina, her german, according to Karla she owned her it was really funny for a long time. Nina was Karla's German and Karla was nina 's Canadian. Well I never got the experience of owning my own German till Laura, my lovely German Girl. She is great I love her like crazy, but sadly has now moved back to Germany for school . So it's been 5 months since I 've gotten to communicate and 7 moths since I've seen her, I was going crazy till I got to talk to her today! Oh sooo exciting. My german! She is doing great kicking her but in Uni too and working very hard. sorry this is so gay but I was happy to hear from my German!

ah so I got back a Chem assignment today and I got 100% sooo exciting. also wrote a mid term, tough but decent I think I got an 80 or higher though I will settle for a 75% though I don't want to see marks like those I do have to accept that it is an acceptable mark, eww barf on a B+ ! so I have been busy today. I went to class wrot e an exam listened to a lecture then wen t to the health clinic, went to the gym, physio, massage and back to class. Then I just ate Lunch and now I'm blogging. after I have to finish an assignment and go to class, then off to work! So needless to say I'm still a little bored. sounds crazy but r ight now I feel like I have nothing to do. so today is boring nothing excit ing happened. My Photography teacher was so boring today lecturing about nothing but score I did not fall asleep! and that is excellent! I'm waiting on my Imer ial Rome class right now and that is the best class ever and then I have to go to work. This week also teaching to students ahh in m y art and ed. class. I have to teach!!! well exciting, but I need to understand what do I want these kids to learn out of my encounter with them. What do i want to them to take with them and really soak in? sponges they are sponges!! Any way tons of work for this week and I'm having a dinner party on Sat! that is exciting.

totally random but hey that's okay, you gotta love it.

at least I'm happy.

bye!

has bishop's made me younger?

2005-01-30T09:39:00.000-08:00

so I think the answer to this is not in all ways, but in some, I think the Bishop's experience just reminded me how old I am. Getting married at 19 and working so hard to pay the bills and do all the things that grown ups have to do, I lost sight of how old I actually am and I got so stressed and I kept freaking out all the time. I think that being here has really shown me not to take myself so seriously, it's okay to have fun and have snowball fights at 3 am when I have class at 8am and that I love watching girly movies, and I really love dancing and going out and having girls days of spa and pilaties and that it's great thing to have a group of girls that I like to hang out with. I like stupid shows like nick and jessica and crappy music like lindsay lohan and ashlee simpson, I mean I love Christina and will sing my guts out to her music anyday. I know I will be shunned from this world from admitting all of this, but I like being 22. Me and Luke have so much fun here and we don't have to be so grown up all the time. I should enjoy my youth! Just b/c we have responsiblities doesn't mean we have to act 40!

lack of blogging

2005-01-29T21:25:00.001-08:00

so I realize that there has been some lack of blogging, and everything I have blogged the past month has been super negative.

Well to tell you the truth since about Christmas I have had a crazy breakdown. I have been fighting my way through with no support other than Luke and it's hard. I think having no real church to go to here is wearing on us or at least on me. I'm not learning and I haven't been growing, or really spending time with God and that led to not wanting to spend time with Him. That's so hard, b/c I physically hurt when I loose sight of God and a sence of where he is and what he's doing. It kills me when I'm not growing or learning about my gifts. With so much going on I need Him. But I feel so far and when I start to talk to Him or worship I just cry.

Right now they are waiting for my grandma to die now the dr's have given up and it''s over they say 2 weeks more. They have asked my mom to pack up her house and seperate the things of the will.

I guess I feel like everything is falling on my head.

I am full time in school right now and working and with this is has been awful so far. I feel like I work so much I never get a break...

onto happier things I got a summer job!

I am working at Glen Abbey Golf club this summer, working as a Gardener and some lawn maintenance. Yeah outside!!!plant flowers all day and ride a lawn mower in the most beautiful scenery around me! But it's great I work 5:30 am-11:30am and then have golf lessons in the afternoons! and I get as much free golf as I want at all the best clubs in Ontario!! I'm really excited b/c I do not want to work in an office anymore. I'm gonna get buff and hot again and loose a million pounds, get rid of my fatness and get some buff, trim sexy whistling at body!! woohoo!

anyway wishful thinking, to the point I am excited.

Untill I get a job that pays beter then I'll be going o about that one. But I want to work out side and be happy this summer. I'm so sick of florescent lights and computer screens. boo!

lack of blogging

2005-01-29T21:25:00.000-08:00

speak to me

2005-01-22T14:25:00.000-08:00

I can only imagine
what it will be like
When I walk
by Your side
I can only imagine
what my eyes will see
When Your face
is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine
when all I will do
Is forever,
forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

healing hands

2005-01-16T14:20:00.000-08:00

wow so I read kenny's latest blog and I feel so much better.
I will fall into healing hands.

2005-01-15T06:34:00.000-08:00

if we are the body,
why aren't His arms reaching,
hands healing,
words teaching.
if we are the body,
why aren't His feet going,
His love not showing.
there is away.

finding a hard place for words.
you are what I need,
help me find my place.
listening to every word peirces,
foreign liqiud leaks from my eyes.

Listen to the voice of truth

hard spots of darkness,
do not disturb me in my time of sorrow.
let me stay in this place,
I don't want to move.

that's a lie.
I am scarred
I'm dying.
curled in this ball
hovering,
hiding from the world
I'm hiding from myself.
a position so familiar.

I will choose to listen carefully.
will I land in healing hands.

I wake up terrified screaming on the top of my lungs.
when will it stop

I'm not growing.

2005-01-14T20:40:00.000-08:00

I feel blank, unbalanced and frankly really lost.

I feel like everyday is just something to get through rather than live for. everyday is the same, school - work - tv - sleep. I want to do something go somewhere experience with Luke but I feel stuck. alone and not well understood at the moment. so far from where I should be and afraid of what's to come. I don't feel like even God can save me from this feeling of despair. and I'm not sure if I want to even bother to try to get out. this hole gets deeper everytime I fall in it, so what's the point of it all? up and down constantly. someone said to me if your not growing your going backwards cause you can't just sit in the same place. I'm not growing. what is the point. with God highs are too high but lows are so low. this sucks. I feel alone cold and trying to make my way through each day survining.

Coniac and Bikkinis

2004-12-21T18:36:00.000-08:00

oh home. and soo happy.

so good to see family and hear english for once. I foiund it really hard being in a mall though. I was freakied out by all the people. which is weird for me b/c I never feel panicky when there's lots of people around.

Man the one thing that is hallarious since we got here, my lil brother. He cracks me up so crude and drives me nuts but gets my mom going so fast it's just too easy. I love it.

so the craziest thing happened. Sunday I was at TACF for the first time in like 6 months and I was there early b/c Luke was playing on the team. something happened with the students and they had noone for prophetic presbytry. Well Lynly came to me and threw me on the team wow how cool never done this before but she said to me " i recognize prophetic giftings and you are prophetic girl! get in there. " so talk about jumpling in head first. It was amazing! so many words and pictures and oh such and amazing feeling and just jumping back into that place of Prophetic God stuff!! I miss that being away. It's so quiet and peaceful in QC but I miss prophetic worship and blessing people that way, noone really gets it here, anyway. lots of painting for christmas and tons of fun to come! christmas in 3 days!!

by going to sip coniac and sit in the hot tub in the snow. mmmm

peering eyes.

2004-12-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

do you ever feel watched?

I do.

I used to work for an investigation firm and since I was laid off I feel watched.

The woman that owned it got sick and shut down the co. but I see her everywhere. so not since we've moved here but all over toronto, following me in her car, I would see her in my rearview mirror or always where I was. These are the things that drives a person into the mental institute. Now I know I'm not that nuts b/c I know she is capable of things such as this. As this was my job for about 6 months, following people taking pictures, watching surveillence video noting their every move...

I felt used there. She had a bad relationship with her daughter but said that I looked just like her. Maybe that's why she promoted me 3 times in 4 months. and paid me alot and really favored me unless she was angry.. then out comes the bottle out of the desk and the alcholic appeared. I feel I was emotionally and mentally abused there. Since then I constanly feel unsafe.

your safety is everything and I find myself feeling uneasy often.

I've had a few creepy calls that were related to her or would definatly be tracked back to her. It's like to her I became her daughter and all that hurt in the end came out on me.

I can't help but feel the past there will follow me untill she's dead.

I want to feel safe.

deeper intentions

2004-12-07T17:23:00.000-08:00

so why do I want to hear your voice? Listen to you speak your mind and heart? Do I really care for you? Do you really care fo me? After all this time of being away? Is it the drama of your life that draws me in? Is it the horror that is your life? Do I care if you are really well? Or do I want to know how you are so I can thrive off the inner hate I feel for you? To feel satifsied with myself becuase your life is shit. How sick is this? Is this a personal sick womanly mindset that so many have... is that me? secretly dying to see you fail? Or is it love? Intercession for I know you are lost and everyone has failed you. I want to see you happy I feel drawn to help you. Or is that the excuse I make up in my mind. do we really care about each other? Or is it a superficial face that we have that we secretly hate each other and are dying to watch each other fall on out faces?

Melody

2004-12-04T05:58:00.000-08:00

Beautiful girl, beautiful name, beautiful song.

so destined to do great things for the Lord but getting caught in the garbage of life along the way. so I don't know how she is now, as I feel I have failed her as a friend, a year a ago doing exactly what everyone has done to her, given up. Too hard to take the abuse, to hard to constantly hurt. To realize now that it wasn't so onesided, out of my own anger towards her I acted out in hate and tore down too. To only realize this now.
Growth.
so I knew by seperating I would learn and that God would show me the nessisary changes needed in my own life. My best friend for 7 years. Lost. So hard like stone, cold and hurting.
Lat night I dreamt of her, she was happy. Wow smiling like I'd never seen. Just shining with God's light. so I sit here this morning at work listening to Jason Upton, alone at 8am and my heart is breaking, interceeding for her. I long for her friendship yet know that it is not time yet. That there is so much work left in both of us before we can unite.
I love that girl like crazy, the sister I never had. It breaks my heart to see how it is right now, but I know that for now it is the best. That one day God will unite us in a healthy clean slate.

Father be with her. Just what ever is happening, be with her. It breaks my heart when she hurts, it breaks my heart to know that there is so much more for her.
Be with her rest on her, soak her like we use to together. Where she feels peace, and begin to tear down those walls that are built so high. Teach me wisdom in my words and do great work in both of us.

sing that beautiful song through our lives.
Your Melody.

I saw this commercial yesterday...

2004-11-29T19:15:00.000-08:00

This guy is running around a forest wearing antlers tied to the top of his head. It's hunting season and he's dodging bullets,
he runs up to the camera and says, "this may not look like a very smart thing to do right? Well you rae right the fact is the 2 people in ontario get killed every year b/c of hunting accidents, seems a little risky? well 16,000 people in Ontario die from smoking related diseases, which seems like more of the risk to you?"

stuck me a weird way.

kitty,

2004-11-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

So in kind of a continue of the last post, My husband posed a question to me... If you were 10 lbs thinner would your really be happy? would you stop complaining... really? Becuase the fact of the matter is if I were wanting to loose the weight to look "socially acceptable" Or perfect in the public's eyes I wouldn't be doing it, becuase the regular weight for my height is from 130 - 160 lbs... This gets me to think, this is my problem... It has nothing to do with those around me just my own problem, my own brain, not how others view me just how I view me. I remember that even when I was a mere 107lbs and 5'8 4 years ago, I still saw me as fat. as a child I competed in gymnastics and in grade 7 I was like 75 pounds, 5'4, and even then I remember hiding pictures because I thought my theighs look fat. at 11 years old? what a sick thought! so here's the thing I ask myself, is this a body issue or a mental issue? what happened that I can't accept myself when I look fine? how fo I change what is programmed?

so anyway...

hallarious thing happened to Luke and I.

Saturday night was the school formal and the last night that the school pub was open for the rest of the semester, so maybe I had a bit to much tequila and Luke had a few to many beers... after a night of dancing we stumbled our way to our ritualistic resturant Village Grec at 3am. (every time we go out our friends and us end up eating poutine[signature qc food] at this grubby little greek resturant on the corner of Downtown Lennoxville at 3 am.) well we get there it is about 3:30 and the place is packed with students, I don't remember much but I do remeber carrying my heels in the snow and talking about cheesecake with someone (yah I don't know like I said a few too many), then he freaked out when I introduced him to my husband."Husband whaaaa!" That seems to be the reaction every time.ANYWAY! After we left we were finally alone, ahh alone, we have a friend that is really broke right now so he stayed at our house all weekend and we fed him in exchange for him to clean the dishes haha! so like I said alone, ahh it was great. we saw 3 other girls walking in the snow holding there heels too, soo funny. we must have been freezing but I honestly don't remember.

so as we are trudging up the massive hill we live on I see this cute little black and white kitten meowing at the funeral parlour door, naturally I coax it into my arms. Luke is so allergic so we can't have one, but everytime I see one I can't help but pet it. So here I am this stray kitten with no tags in my arms petting it and enjoying it's kittiness." you know what mean it's a freakin kitten! so I start to realize how cold I am and tell Luke what a great I dea it would be for me to just walk with it for a while. He shoots down that Idea and says heather it's not yours put the kitty down. me again, too much to drink don't listen and keep walking. It loved me how could I deny it love! and it was so cold and I was warming it. so I finally after many "heather!"'s put it down, no more that 5 houses away from where I picked her up. we say our goodbyes to the kitty and leave.

Only to find it follow us home. Ah how funny this tiny kitten like 3 months old and it's following us. Luke of course says look what you have done now It thinks we own it. She followed us for 20 minutes up the hill to our house the whole time meowing, oh painful to my heart, the interpertation in my head was, but I loooooove you. whyyyy do you leeeeeaaave me, pleeeeeeeease give me a hoooooooooooooooomeeeeeeeeee, giive me loooooooooooooooove.
so sad. It stayed outside wandering and meowing around the front doors for hours. I told Luke it could live onthe balcony. It would be called "Balcony kitty" .

so needless to say I didn't win but Luke scared it off with the dog, it ran up a tree and I was sad. the end.

so maybe my story wasn't as funny as I remember it as but have a few drinks and read it again it was hallarious.

hmm..

2004-11-26T23:47:00.000-08:00

so it's been a while since I blogged, I mean the first snowfall... that was many many snowfalls ago. Everyday my car is covered and everyday I am freezing my butt off in the snow. It is -10 degrees here and I'm sorry but I can't even think about January when it is -50 degrees. Record breaking it's sick.

While I have survived a rough semester and I have 1 week left you herd me one week thank God. I am so happy becuase the rough part is over for me, I am finished all my term papers, and only have one more final exam. my exam marks so far, 77%, 84%, 93%, waiting on one and waiting to take the last one. Also need to write and EWP exam something in QC to make sure you have university writing levels. since I got accepted late to the program I have to take it dec 6 or Jan10. so I am dreading that but happy to go home soon. sad for Luke though he is just getting in to his final and has exams till the 17th of December he has tokill himself while I relax. MaybeI will Christmas shop. Ooo I still have Birthday money, new shoes and jeans are in the mind playing over and over.

The high fasion queens of Quebec look freezing here so I think I'll go with Comfort as well as style. sucked in can't sit down and breath at the same time pants are out of the question.

so I think I am starting to accept my not so perfect body. (At least in My eyes my husband says I'm nuts) I feel like shamoo sometimes, I know it's not true and I'm sure people reading will scoff and this post though I feel it and I can't help it. I am 5'8 and 134lbs, size 27 or 28 (7 or 9) now this by no means is heavy I'm sure, I guess I am just taken that I weighed 120 when I got married 2 years ago. I was wearing size 25 (3) jeans and I loved it. I am a thin blond, with fat girl syndrome. That only few seem to understand. Is there anything wrong with not being satified with yourself? Even if your not really heavy? I look in my closet at many pairs of jeans that do not fit and cry. what a waste. I cannot let them go as I long to be in them again. seems to only one person that has ever understood this, my german friend Laura, so skinny and beautiful but we both got it thin fat girl syndrome. we worked our butts off at the gym and were theere to cry on each others shoulders when we felt down but now she is gone and I deal with this alone.

Now this is not a wanting compliments post please do not give me them I guess I just want people to understand that you can feel like crap weather you are 10 lbs over what you want to weigh or a 100. That just cause someone looks thin doesn't mean they don't struggle with the same thing as you.

So I am on edge today. Stress, coffee and Cigarettes seem to go hand in hand with each other. and today I had no cigarettes, funny you'd think they were addictive, all I could think about today was where can I get a cigarette without going to the store and spending 10 dollars I do not have?

I know it awful but I will admit lately I have been smoking a lot. It just seems so easy here, noone to condemn you, or friends that will discipline you or anyone to hide from. It's a bad habit but I love it so much it's hard to give it up. I have had a major sore throat for weeks so luke and the amazing husband he is said "maybe no more smoking" he is right, I have been weaming off but today I am thinking and hoping that someone who smokes will cross my path. Is it still bad if I don't buy them? hee hee my sneaky mind creeps it's way through situations. then tomorrow I work 10 hours and I think well I 'm working 10 hours I have 4 breaks what Iam i GOnna do for those 15 minute breaks and hour lunch? might as well go buy some cause I'm gonna want to tomorrow anyway...sneaky girl I am. so It's bad, cause I can't picture myself quitting for good and never smoking again. I guess I always thought that when I get pregnant I will stop for good will not want to smoke with kids. Now I know that when I have something to work towards I won't do it. I didn't want to smoke in my wedding dress and a year before the wedding I quit. and I stuck with it, it seems that only since weve moved here... stress triggers me and it seems to be a great way to cope, smoke... bad girl.
so I going to sleep so I don't have to think abou t it again.
I am getting comfy in my new mushroom pj's and bishops comfy sweater and ugg boots and go to sleep I need to be up at 6am and it is 12 right now.

xoxo Heather

first SNOWFALL!

2004-11-06T09:00:00.000-08:00

So we have been hearing rumors for the past 2 weeks of snow. Didn't thinki it could be possible since it's the 6th of November it seemed outragous!

well I woke up this morning to a winter wonderland. Snow everywhere!capped houses and cars, streets filled with snow.

so it begins, the hell of walking to school in knee deep snow.

I will enjoy basking in it's beauty from inside my house but when walking to school I'm sure I will be cursing it and whining.

well I must go I need to find my snowpants!

hmm.. read your bible pray every day and you'll grow?

2004-11-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

sitting here and I read Kenny's blog, he said something about a verse that really stuck out to him from the bible recently,

I realized that I'm not really one that "studies" the bible, I kinda just read it whenever I need inspiration. I don't know how healthy that is as a Christian but I really kinda am not sure what to say. I sleep when I read the bible, I seem to learn alot more from listening to what God is saying or just resting in Him, now I know that I am suppose to "read the bible pray everyday and you'll grow, grow, grow," but it just is hard for me to spend devotional time, and all these thingd, maybe it's because I read a evotional and don't learn anything I kinda go yah and,.... it's common sence to me the things they talk about. Luke and I have been through many devotionals and never have we been challanged or felt that we were learning anything.

Don't get me wrong, I have my "devotional, God" time but it doesn't involve a bible and devotional, just me and my journal, a buch of colouredf paper and magazine cut outs, I feel more release and learning when I am collaging and writing God speaks to me about the pictures I chose and shows mw how it relates and how to better myself and what I can learn. If I feel like I need a bible I get one out but it's not nessisarly a daily proceedure of bible reading.. I kow you grow when you read, but what are you doing if you sleep? your not learning your sleeping...

anyway a collaberation of my thoughts and feelings.
I Just kinda feels like there is this "mold" of what a christian should be, this idea of perfection, but you know I am so out of that mold, I like to hang out at Bars and build relationship with people that really need it. You know I'll smoke or even have a beer sometimes!! You know it might be a nighmare for some to live in a party town as it is "ungodly" but you know I feel God more here that anywhere else I have been. Just by standing in the courtyard I feel his presence so strong, aND i FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE BEEN PLACED IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS. Do you have any Idea I have been able to talk to build relationship with and help out since we got here? way more that being placed in a "holy atmosphere" all these years. I get to minister to tons of people who really need it and you know I don't have to share God or preach in there face to do it. Jusat loving and caring for someone or as simple as giving someone a coffee says so much more than shoving christianity down their throats.

I don't know God does. all I know is for now I'm glad I'm not a cookie cutter. I like being different.

up and down

2004-11-01T21:08:00.000-08:00

sorry guys, haven't been blogging,
been so busy with school and trying to work extra hard this past week, Luke and I both got laid off from our jobs and it's been kinda crazy.
we are alooking for new ones but we speak no french it makes it alot harder.
Umm nothing really new just busy found out I have another exam on Thursday i DIDn't even know about so studing like mad trying to get my head together.

Having trouble with a friend trying to sort out our differences and at this point I just want to come home for Christmas.

We might get to come down for almost a month and I'm really looking forward to it.

emailed good old TACF today tried to see if I can cover someone's vacation time or maybe they can help us out with some contract work during christmas. It's tough but hey. seems like as soon as you get back on your feet something else happens to slam you down again.

I've just been trying to listen alot lately. Quieteness in the mess of it all and trying to go the right way.

I tried blogging a few times but this thing gets screwed up sometimes and doesn't publish anything I write!
sucks!!

bah well anyway we are doing good surviving to say the least this term is over in 4 weeks and I am counting down the days. 20 days school days till hometime.

sleepy goodnight.

rollercoaster

2004-10-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

k so life takes us for a ride. THAT'S FOR SURE...

We just found out today that The company Luke and I work for just lost their contract... We both lost our jobs. 300 people laid off. Our last day is NOV 3. K I know there is hidden meaning in all of this, that God has something in store it's just a little scary. God? what are you doing?

we have finally settled and just catching up and now this.. it's hard to see this silver lining but I know there has to be one.

we still don't speak much french so we can't find other jobs and this is crazy. I have a midterm tomorrow and this is what I'm thinking about. Not exactly what I need.

Lord Show us what is going on and please shine through all of this. Luke is really upset and I don't have away to make it better.

show me your glory.

Jehova Jirah.I know there's a way.

I'm okay really I am...

2004-10-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

so we got that dreadful call yesterday...

Actually a voicemail, "Hi hunny it's mom, we called to let you know tha Harris passed away last night"

wow k so they were only married for 5 or so years but I feel sad for my grandma, she actually has such an amazing story, she left her house at such a young age her and her sisters did alot of modelling and more than once all were crowned pagent queen of something, she was gorgeous, soon after leaving the house she married my grandfather, they had 4 kids and he was an amazing person, except that he was a raging alcholic, extremly abusive in every way and a womanizer. But the nicest guy you'll ever meet. Hey everyone has their flaws right...? Mom said she remembers that when she was a kid there was always someone tied up and bloody, getting beaten or hiding.. Rough, I couldn't even imagine.

Through all that happened in that awful household Grandma stayed stong, took care of those 4 kids amazingly and kept the house, worked and just kept going trusting in God. Finally she had the courage to leave him. wow how strong do you have to be to leave someone you love sooo much but just doesn't treat you right. well I don't know how long they were divorced for but one day he came back, the kids swore it was a trick so he could kill But Grandpa had gotten saved, he completely changed, turned his life around, didn't drink and proposed to my grandma again. Surprisingly, they remarried.. each other! She finally got back the amazing man she had first met. He never went back to the way he was. And treated her like the princess she was! Only to experience that a few years later, he died. Triple bypass? 3 heart atacks and a stroke. Crazy. He just took care of himself so poorly all those years, his body just gave up. He was only 56. Grandma was alone for 10 years I think. she moved away from all of it so heartbroken and moved to alberta completly seperating herslef from everyone.

5 1/2 - 6 years ago she met this man. Harris. On their first date she fell for him really hard, and hadn't felt that since my grandpa. This feeling of love all over again. During the date they had been talking about their pasts spouces, harris' wife had died of Cancer years ago as well as his 40 year old daughter just that year. They really connected but at the end of the date he said "but I'd never get married again! I don't want all that trouble" My grandma heart broken kept quite, all she longed for was someone to love again. at the end of the date she told him she was sorry for wasting his time, if he wasn't interested in ever marrying agian she wasn't interested in HIm. She explained how much she had loved being married and loving and taking care of someone and having her best friend with her all the time. as she got into the car to leave she apologized and said she wouldn't be seeing him again. He kissed her and it was like electricity! But she got in the car and drove away, she cried and cried cause she thought maybe he might be the one it just didn't make any sence. But handed it to God in trust that he knew what was right.

The next day there was a knock at the door. It was Harris, he said "you know Verna I haven't felt like this since my last wife, and I think I made a mistake... I want to give marriage another shot." 5 months later they were married!!

Crazy how things like that happen. It was God! He knew the whole time.
So for the last 5 or so years they have been having a great time travelling all over the world and having the best time enjoying togetherness again.

Now for it to beover all so quickly! She's alone agin. That kills me she waited so long for another prince! With no warning he gets sick, 2 months later he dies. In the midst of taking care of Him she collaspes somewhere, and ends up in the hospital, She has Lung cancer!! what? never smoked a day in her life but from all the 2nd hand smoke from my grandfather she gets cancer and is dying. She lives in the house alone now, in Alberta still no family and is now weighing a mere 75lbs at 5'9.. God save her. Alone again. I don't get it.. Also, she got a call today saying that Harris' kids are selling the house that she lives in. Harris and hers house.. can you imagine? your husband just dies and his kids sell the house from underneith you? Evil! He was a millionare or something and there afraid of her getting all his money they're kicking her out of her house and soon she'll have no where to go. I can't believe this, especially with her state! to move her is crazy?!! But they have finalized it. The only good news about all of this is she might be moving to Toronto to live with my parents. My mom is a nurse and give her the medical treatment she needs. She can't have Chemo cause she is too sick. But at least she will be with her the family her kids that are all in toronto and if she's gonna go, (if it's God's will) then at least she'll be with people that Love her and Not alone.

I think I'm still really bottled up about all of this but I am happy and feel good about her maybe coming here agin. I couldn't possibly imagine never seeing her again.. such an inspiration to me, so strong if she could get though all of that anyone can get through anything.

today.

2004-10-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

well I don't know what happened but I posted a blog today titled "class 307a" don't know where it went but if anyone has found it can you let me know?

I just got news from my family in Toronto that My grandma has been given a few weeks to live and her husband was given 24 hours to live... that was yesterday...

umm our whole family is kinda in shock, and feel, numb. that's probably the best way to describe it. Numb...

my grandparents They live in Alberta, we haven't found out yet if he's still alive. So this is a downer. They are both in the hospital.and its hard to get a hold of either one, so we kinda just have to wait. what a great call to get, " hi mr blah blah... there dead now" So I don't really know what to say or feel. It all just kinda feels stuffed right now. Like inside, stuffed emotion. that kinda dulls and numbs it all.

Yesterday I recieved an email from one of my best buddies in TO. that said, "Today God told me to tell you to paint, anything! IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AN OBJECT, Paint from your heart, release your emotion. Love Tray" I started to cry as I read it.

I haven't cried in ages. I've been bottling everything lately. My family is so far away and now all this and if you've read my previous posts.. yah I'm kinda busy... I have a midterm next thursday and I have so much work to do. In the midst of it all God is saying I'm suppose to just stop, and paint. I'm afraid to paint, aafraid to see what dark who knows what might come out. all I know is since yesterday I have been tearing up all the time. Today I cried in the bathroom at work and I had no idea why.

My grandma is so important to me she lives so far and I love her so much. I think when It comes to death I have alot bottled. In Grade 12 one of my theatre partners burned to death in a car crash he fell asleep at the wheel. a friend of mine's sister got hit by a train drunk on the tracks one night in highschool, my grandfather died when I was really young, I just remember alot of people crying and that I almost fell into the funeral display when I touched his cold hand... Finally last January a friend we had known for 18 years, a neighbor I grew up with Got in a car crash he was 23, he died on impact. I actually began to grieve that loss. When I came back to work I was told pretty much it's conference time and to put on a smile because you work in the front lines "the face of the company" noone wants to see someone sad when they are welcomed here, so naturally I shoved it, took me about 10 minutes to freshen myself in the bathroom get myself together and put on that great "Christian Smile". as I walked to my desk someone I knew well saw me, gave me a hug and said they herd, they were so sorry, I began to cry again tears streaming down my face, it hurt so bad, I went back to the bathroom gathered myself and returned to my desk and when I got there believe it or not I was asked what took me so long.... The mask went up as I apologized smiling ear to ear, things are fine. Of course... Funny how you can be passively controlled so easily and how we allow ourselves to be. It's not right but you know I've almost be taught to shove everything that hurts. amazingly through that I got to minister to a suicidal lady right there in the front reception area she emailed me later and told me that thanks to my loss and the things I'd shared she found reasons to live. God. wow.

I remember When I was 17 when my husband and I were dating after 2 years, we broke up well.. he broke up with me, it broke my heart, I cried screaming (literally) for a week straight night and day. It hurt, I'd never felt like this before and for 4 months after that I still cried everyday there wasn't a day that it ever felt better..funny how boys can do that. well story goes we live happily ever after. but remebering this, I think that is one of the first times I have ever let myself fully feel my own hurt.

I grew up with Girls hurting me my whole life I thought that's what they were suppose to do so I became numb to their betrayal and pain they caused. I gave up with girl friends and seperated myself at a very early age and hung out with boys. It was like this little princess girly girl hanging out with boys. I was taught by growing up though their actions, that girls will always be jealous of you and be mean for no reason that's how the friendship works, but boys they punch each other in the arm and it's over I longed for that same loyalty, truely friends for life. To truely understand the brutality of my "friends" when I was getting married, a month before my wedding, my best friend at the time told me she hoped my dress caught on fire on my wedding day. because she was angry at me for having my big princess wedding I always wanted. nice

you know it took me 15 years to deal with my girl issue and that only in this past year did I cry out some of the deep wounds placed in my heart that have affected all of me. and that was one of them and it took me 2 years to forgive.. Fortunatly God has placed some amazing girls in my life in the past 3 years and I am learning that maybe there are some good ones out there. But I shoved it all for so long.

death I don't know how to deal with this all. so many people all the time and when it's someone close I just don't feel it. (funny right now as I write this a grande piano plays in the background, how perfect) I guess I just don't know why, I think this might be a door that's creaking open or perhaps a leak in the damm I have built. when my husbands best friend hung himself he mourned it..we talked through it and he got through the loss. you know? how come I can't seem to?

these tears that seem to leak every now and then I want to release and just let them pour. but as soon as they start a bit it's like I'm afraid and I shut it off.

I'm sorry to who ever is reading I didn't mean to share some of the horror stories in my life it just all seemed to come out this way. I even question posting it.

well I guess I should paint. Looks like I really need to.

take a peek inside my life..

2004-10-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

spinning spinning STOP!

okay so it has finally stopped.

My exams are done at least for a couple weeks and blah I have to work everynight next week and go to school.

Sucks but hey.

Life has been so busy and finding out new things like My grandma may only live for another 2 months the cancer has officially taken over and she is 5'9 1/2 weighing almost 100lbs. It's so sad. I can barely process that it's real. My parents are leaving for Mozambique soon and feel quilty about leaving. I can't even try to keep track of my in-laws I think they are in Sweeden next week? I don't know! Homework, term papers and trying to balance my life, house hold, cooking, cleaning, ugg the dogg, work and school, husband and romatic time with husband. oh yah and so easy to forget God. blancing everything is so difficult and it feels like it's going to topple off my head and onto the floor.

But I come home today and it stops.
silence.
Ahhhh (choir sings)
SILENCE.

I have nothing to do tonight and tomorrow I cAn do nothing untill it all starts again on Monday. I can hear Luke doing the dishes ahh wonderful husband.

it's 2 days away....

Jesus Help me.
moment of temporary insanity, it happens frequently in my world.

oh yah food,

Dinner...
I guess my moment of relax didn't last so long...

I'm starving.

2004-10-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

sooo out of it. spinning spinning spinning. I am so busy. Just came back from T.O. And it was such a great weekend seeing my family and spending time with them. But wow now I come back and I HAVE AN EXAM IN 2 DAYS that I kinda haven't studied for yet. It's in my Roman Empire class. It shouldn't be too bad but it is a lot of info. Last week after writing an exam I went home not realizing that my exam review was next class, so ah!!! my amazing neghbor sent me over the info today. I am sooo thanksful but feel completely unprepared. i wish I had gone to that class.but it's in the past now. move on!
feeling a little overwhelmed I am working a ton and kicking my ass in school. Found out Bishop's is one of the most prestigious schools in North america and now I am realizing why! blah shake it off.
It is so easy to get caught up in stress. I want to be done school and working and become a millionaire. and sit on my rich ass all day. and not have to kill myself working so hard. work isn't fun when it's work.

I feel overtired and just spinning all the time. I know WHAT lUKE HAS FELT LIKE ALL THIS TIME. It's tough. 25 hours in school 35 working and 3 hours studying at least for each class! I'ts a full week. I don't even know if there's really that many hours when you add sleep and cleaning and cooking in there.

ahh sleep sounds good I'm gonna head out. I had to vent this though my head is spinning.

But I do have some good news my german buddy found out today she got into school! and her and her husband are moving to the new location this week. and friends of mine that got married around the same time as me and Luke got married got back together!!!(they have been living in the same house completely seperate from each other since they got married) maybe their quick marriage will work after all! She kicked out his girlfriend and they are together alone. Thank God! Let's hope it works, prayer and building the trust again. Thank you Lord.

well like I said sooo tired.

xo h

stumped

2004-10-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

so I had my first midterm today. Considering I've been doing nothing but studio work the past 5 years I was a little nervous... so I get the exam and I know every question, thank God I studied my ass off. I will out everything perfect in full detail and can even give reference as to where these stats are found and in even which book and page and everything! I was totally impressed with myself for being so nervous It was hardly worth all the anxiety. So I'm right at the end 4 essay questions left 3 of which I have answered perfect! and worth 10 marks each, last question, "what is Ka? explain it's significance and relate 3 peiceces that show Ka in their composition." What? Ka? Never in my entire time of studying did I ever see this word. Not in my texts not in anything... so I began to right about deity and the gods o f Narimsun and yes I filled out the question, having no idea if I was right. I did my best that was the only time I had no idea through out the exam.. uuug! so what a horrible feeling... I handed in my exam and knowing I would have noowhere to find the answer in my notes I asked, I have never herd of this word. what is it? I asked my prof, something to do with the gods and votive statues during egyptian times. So I was half right but of course egyptian! The only class I hav not made it to all semester as I had a migrane. sucks sooo bad but we'll see what happens. seeing as I haven't written a test in so long I am happy with a 75% or higher. My goal is 80s and 90s but with this exam, it is a hard class and I kicked my butt to get what I got. bah Lord help me. I hope the rest of it was enough to bring up those lost 10 marks!

My frusterations of the day. I feel so jittery I'm lookinf for anyone with a cigarette.

I started work yesterday, I am working for Verizon, calling the states, upgrading packages for existing clients. It seems okay, Luke is selling alot there and I'm hoping I do too. Dad says it's in my blood to sell I can't not be good at it. He is the sales specialists for Hewlette Packard, he trains all of Canada and the US Sales teams for Hp and one of the most requested consultants in the world. I guess he knows what he's talking about... I hope it runs in my blood, could be alot easier if it did... well a boring blog for today but I am waiting for class to start, I have another 1h 1/2!! ugg. see ya

snarling beast

2004-10-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

I think it's kind of interesting that if you challange someone,
whether it be their belief system or something random they say.
as soon as you question them or push past their comfort zone, they lash out, snarling beast like 2 dogs over a bone. soo funny, young boys and girls these days, so stuck on being right they cannot stop to learn. So intent on Proving their point... when in actuallity I respect everything they have to say, funny that they don't respect mine. It's all about challanging people.. If your not learning or thinking about things and challanging yourself, what are you doing? Letting your brain go to waste. we have been given these unbelievavle complex organisms and systems in our body if you we don't choose to use them, what's the point in havimg them?
I think the 18 year old mindset is hallarious even people that aren't 18 still stuck in that set, "I'm right your wrong there's nothing else to say" Oh boys... get over it. Open up your mind a little dig into who you are, please, put the mask down.

2004-10-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep much last night
My mind seems to wander when I worry about things.
2 nights ago I found out my Grandma has cancer, she's oing through Chemo but it's in her lungs, spread quickly and it makes me up set,
she's never smoked a day in her life...

ah and I guy I have grown up with since I was 10 has cancer. 22 years old, it's in his Intestines, lungs and testicles...
He's is such a good guy and man I don't think he's ever done anything wroing. Just constanty loved people and alwasy kept his hopes high...

I don't get why these things happen.
Tests?
I don't know...
I try not to ask God why bad things happen to good people but it seems to be a question that doesn't get a real straight answer.
Don't doubt! I try not o but man is it hard.
God let me trust you,
that you know what your doing...

cry in the night...

2004-10-01T02:02:00.000-07:00

this is something that happens often and i am torn...

One Thirty in the morning,
I lay in bed,
I hear screaming.
It's the girl next door...
Her boyfriend and her are fighting again,
each argument ends with a slam of the door.
He leaves, leaving a lost scared girl probably crying on the floor.
Abandonment, I know this feeling...
Crying yourself to sleep... I know this too.
Of course all of this is suggestion,
But tonight as I lay in my safe haven,
The door slams and I hear it,
something I haven't herd until today..
the cry.
it peirces my heart.
The pain in that cry,
the wimper that follows off into a light disrupted sleep..
Sometimes she leaves and takes her dog or a walk after.
I understand that, clearing you mind,
Or,
running after Him...
I don't really know her,
I mean I've seen her around and I've talked to her a few times...
and her dog likes to fight with mine.
She's about my height, blondy, browny short, hair and likes to play sports...
I think, she's always wearing soccer gear when she leaves the place.
Although when we see each other it's usually early in the morning in our pj's taking the dogs for a pee.
She's younger than me not much but she is.
I can't remember where she's from but if I remember she's lived on her own for a while and really dedicated to school.
she's a friendly girl, always been nice to me but I see it.
her eyes are dead. Nothing is alive in there...
She kinda walks around with her head down and shoulders slumped...
That cry,
It's quite now...
But I still hear it,
repeating in my head.
What would happen if I went over there?
Just walked up to the door and knocked?
I want to say "are you okay?" and just Hug her.
and let her cry and cry in hopes of something that I can do.
I've herd them make love.
so lifeless it scares me.
To give yourself to someone,
but not recieve back...
I understand now, why it's designed for oneness with your husband.
it's passionate and giving
when done with the one you love.
So private,
an exchange of love that bring you to tears.
Sometimes they are the only words that can describe how you feel.
But all I hear is the deadness.
No passion or love,
just selfish desires..
What would happen if I went over there?
would she open up the door and invite me in?
or close it in my face?
exposed vunerability does only 2 things,
spills or shuts down.
I am afraid of rejection and afraid of embarrassing her,
what do I do?
Instead of finding out,
I am fighting everything in my inner being,
everything my heart tells me to do
and I am blogging about it.
What's wrong with me...

sweet spring rain.

2004-09-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

freezing anxiety
my fingertips freeze up as I step out into the cold.
Where are my mitts?
Crisp Icy air comes air comes from my mouth and dissapears,
leaving a trail of worry.
why can't I trust?
Trusting that Life figures itself out.
Trusting that He will pull through.
Child of the King.

As I walk these heavy books move in my backpack.
weighing down like the weight on my shoulders that I should be giving up.
Laying down.
In the middle of the quad so many frantic minds.
Running, racing, memorizing the next formula.
I quietly observe.
My own running as fast as it can go,
Close my eyes...
I begin to subtract,
one by one I remove untill there is black space.
Peaceful Nothingness.
God what do you want me to see?
Images race across the screen, like a movie in Fast forward.
Quiet my heart,
Peace to my thoughts.
Clarity to his will and ideas.
words and images come in and out until it focus'
now what?
I write it down or draw it out what do I see what do I hear.
and then try to make sence of it all.

I have stepped into a time of rest.
Though my soul doesn't want to at times
I try,
I wait.
I keep hearing,
Excersize your mind, soul and body.
New Ears..

I am still being dug.
I am a resevoir...
I see rain.
It's in the distance but slowly making it way to me.
a storm.
clouds break and out comes that sweet spring rain.

oh spring, that's far though... does this mean I am going to be going through this for 2 more seasons?

quietly wait.
set peace to my mind.
waiting patiently for answers and the way out.

Analytic Cubism

2004-09-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

hmm.. taking space and time and distorting reality... Flattening the space. Flattening the object and sence of depth and perception...

Picasso took all objects and flattened them took away their sence of depth of perception and looked at everything from the 4th Dimention. F lattening the object to see it form all angles at the same time.

This relates to me somehow but I will have to sit on it for a while.

the 4th Dimention...

Arrogant questions

2004-09-21T06:08:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting what some people have the nerve to say...
For example,
"oh my gosh your married why did you get pregnant?"
How odd of a question and how rude for you to assume that I am a tramp...
No I have no kids, I got married cause I want to spend the rest of my life with the man I love...
what a wacky thing? to some it is, beleve it or not I'm different than alot of people, marriage isn't dating to me, it's a serious commitment, if I wasn't sure I wouldn't have done it.
Interesting though, modern day it's expected to get married when your 30, when your tired, old and don't have many more years untill your biological clock starts to slow down... and by the time you have kids you are exhausted when they reach 5.
uggg I'm a 40 year old with a 5 year old!
People are shocked now adays if you are married under 25.
Especially if they are older than me. Out of there own bitterness they wish a sarcastic good luck as the make a face and walk away...
where as 20 years ago people were shocked if you didn't have family but the time you were 25!
Now why is that?
what is the point of me waiting till I'm 30 to get married when I know that the person I want to be with for the rest of my life is standing right in front of me.
The common answer is "well you don't know what you want when you are 20, you need to get experience and a wider spectrum,"
why? so I can have baggage and regrets? when you meet the guy, you know, you can kiss someone else and it's like no he's the only one I want to kiss for the rest of my life...
to me I see this as you didn't know what you wanted when you were 20, That's not everyone, just you. The divorce rate is definately high right now, something like 75% of all marriages fail. 50 % of those are in the first year.
But did you know that the rate has gone up as people are getting married older?
Interesting...
I think that older people getting married have found such an independance that they can't adjust to someone new...leading to more problems than need be.
Here's the thing, it's not all about taking, it's about giving and understanding and sacrificing and loving each other, communicating and growing.
I find myself Lucky to have found my prince, and so young. I started to date him when I was 15 and been friends since I was 8 years old. To me I see that we have no baggage and know that we only want to be with each other. We honour and love each other and everyday remind ourselves how lucky we are. we go through changes together and have learned who we are in ourselves and in each other.
I think Love is a choice, marriages break up becuase people give up. It's an easy way out and a bad excuse to work at what you committed to.
when we got married we talked to each other, "is divorce even an option?" - "No"
we promised to work through everything no matter what is was and always stand by each others side.
what an odd concept, working together... yah right
so here's my bottom line I'm sure I'm going to get into alot of trouble from people that are 30 and not married, but don't assume the worst for people younger than you. Yah some young marriages maybe they shouldn't have done it but it's wrong of you to judge them or curse them before you know anything about them. And don't automatically assume that they have a baby becuase you know there are some people out there that know how to take care of themselves and not get married because of a fad or a child on the way.
Instead be happy for them and bless them, it may have been a stupid choice for you but it's not for everyone else in the world.
Get over it.

statement with boldness

2004-09-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am an artist, with a strong inner self. My strength and beauty screams though my work striking it's viewers with one glance.

I have been told that I am beyond my years, not just in artistic talent but in wisdom by the way I do things, say things or help people.

I am passionate in life in all that I do, I strive to do my best for God. I am a hard worker, I persue my dreams. I take a stab at any goal and do things in boldness.

My mom says she can't believe the things that I get away with saying. If it were her she's be labelled instantly the bad guy. The boldness behind my words and stength that I have and show even in times of stuggle. I think that it is a gift from God, clairity with my bold statements to the people listening and understanding and clear favor. I try to help, and when I feel that God is telling me to say something I step out and say it even I'm not sure. Obedience... I 've learned so much from just being obedient. we all go through our rebellious stages in life but once I hit a place of obedience everything just seems to work.

so here I stand. My husband and I have moved, in obedience to a small town in the middle of Quebec we don't speak French but, obedience to serve and wait on God.
Provision and awesomeness, I believe it and Know it and am a Living witness of His grace.

chess peices

2004-09-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

right now I have a blurry mind
like my eyes when I'm not wearing my glasses...
Unclear as to exactly what is going on infront of me.
Spinning and Dizzy...
Kinda like when you've had a bit too much to drink.
actually more like
when you've had way to much to drink and the whole room in spinning...
Interesting though,
Maintaining seeing the path and going for it.
sometimes it gets overwhelming rocks you have to climb seem almost imposible.
totally unrelated but maybe connected.
On Thursday I laid outside on the grass and finally chose to confront my feelings.
It sounds silly but I was afraid to sit alone.
I wandereded around campus desperately looking for someone I knew,
silly but to me it seemed terrifying.
Why couldn't I do it?
I spent almost a year working, sitting and eating by my myself everyday, all day and on my breaks...
Never invited to come sit and join in with "the group"
always feeling as an outsider,
I think for at least the first 6 months I'm not sure if they even knew my name...
Funny though,
I didn't really care then...
But I'm softer now. I had some spiritual open heart surgery about a month ago...
safety? acceptance?
Other people could do it I couldn't figure why I was afriad to...
Now funny thing is I'm not 17 just going into school. I'm 22 and in 3rd year.. I'm alot older than these kids and they have no problem sitting on there own.
so I questioned myself.
I sat by a tree with my text books all around me and questioned myself.
Munching on my oh so odd, Tuna and pickle sandwich
My husband always tells me how gross it is all the time..
But I like it. weird... that spoke to me.
I like it and that's me.
me the real me. no not a tuna sandwich with pickles but inside...
My fears started to pop up as I spoke to God about all of this. I laid down on the grass fearlessly and just started to listen. I got out a notebook and just closed my eyes.
weird girl in the middle of campus laying on the grass with her eyes closed. I didn't care, I wanted to learn.
and man I learned. He took me through a cycle I fall into often.
It won't get into it but wow.
The things you learn about when you stop to listen...
The real me..
I am vulnerable and i get hurt easy. and I have been bruised pretty bad in the past,
I seem to put on a front, the person you want me to be.
I am me although with alterations I can protect myself.
That way noone can really know me and I can keep my heart to myself.
There are few let through this wall,
I am so afraid of people judging me and hurting me that I shut them out before I can even let them in.
Yuck what a horrible thing to realize. I'm not perfect. ha yah
But seriously I spent so much time almost trying to hide my imperfections that I forgot I even had them. I seemed to put this idea of I never hurt anyone and I am such a victim. so untrue. we all hurt each other. what a bitch was I to even think that I didnt. In all reality I hurt so I couldn't get hurt. and if that's the case why do I feel lonely? I say I want to be with people I know I do but when I get an invitation I reject it with disregard. I choose to push so I can't be pushed. then Iseem to feel rejected and feel lonely and noone wants to be around me.. but i CHOOSE THAT?!!??

what a vicious cycle.

I'm learning and glad tha came out cause now it can only get better.

seeing blurry.
moving here has stirred me up and played with my sences and reality in a good way. We all need a little stirring sometimes.
I am 800 km from home and I start to panic, afraid that I will make wrong decisions that Luke and I won't be okay. It's seems so easy to just give up and believe that. But I won't let it. I am God's Chess peices and He makes the next move. and I know he's really good at the game..

to blog or not to blog

2004-09-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

I want to but the words and feelings are stuck and unfocused... maybe I'll try again tomorrow...

wow we are here

2004-09-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

we are here, it was been a while since I've blogged. I've had no internet phone or tv for a while and we are just settling in now. School has started and it seems all I do is study. That goes for Luke too. I have a job interview on Wednesday and praying that I will get it. Oh.. wow we are here I can hardly believe it sometimes. but we are and we are doing it. Finally. It came fast but is passing fast too. we will be back in 20 days for thanksgiving! well we are alive a brief update for those that read these sily things. ready to be open to what God has been doing adn I have really learned alot the past couple weeks. The scenery is so beautiful here it's so easy to lay outside looking at it all or hours talking to God and not even realize it. Though I haven't ventured much I am learning my independence here. I seem attached to Luke's hip as I feel a little unsure of this unfamiliar place. But it will come and I will be fine. Pray for us.

Silver Lining

2004-08-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

A cloudless sky,
a perfect day
yet tears that cry in the depths of my soul still sit,
pooling with agnst with what's to come.
Far away I place myself in this crowded room,
seperating all of me.
to attempt to block this wall I am about to hit.
Realization of this next step I face.
Realization of possible loss.
Fear in life choices,
but walking in a strength I know I should have.
I need security,
but this is all so sparatic and unlike me.
Father we wait.
Wait on the only thing I know to,
and search for the silver lining.

Love Dad

2004-08-17T07:37:00.000-07:00

Nothing has turned out the way you had hoped or envision. And, now you have no clear direction or leading. You find yourself asking, "What next?" You have entered a short season of rest. Do not fret about what is coming. Take this time to draw close to Me, says the Lord, so that I can prepare you for the next leg of your journey, for surely in these times of quiet waiting I will instruct you and strengthen your heart for the days ahead. Steady yourself on the firm foundation of My love and grace.
Love Dad

seperation anxiety disorder...

2004-08-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

so I'm freakin' out

seperation anxiety disorder, I've come up with this myself, analized thouroughly, looked over and well researched... this is me. There is actually no disorder such as this but anyone moving away from Friends and family may suffer from this "HSAD" (Heather's Seperation Anxiety Disorder), will experence loss of appetite, loss of sleep, panic, sleep apnea, nausea, headaches, dizziness and fear of EVERYTHING! ah this sucks. Needing that really big umbrella right now or something to hide behind.

Stand Strong Heather, calm down and let me be your guide. Pick up your sword because it's time for battle. Remeber all the training? You have been in the front lines for a reason. My Warrior,l it's time, let's take back that land the enemy has stolen. Fight for what's right and crush that bastard before he even tries to attack. You are prepared for Great things. Let me be your strength. Together we can accomplish anything. My umbrella of protection is on you and Luke, You are meant to win the war. Don't be afraid, thanks for listning to me. I will honour and bless you both for your obedience. Love Dad

stuck in that same familiar place...

2004-08-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

Loneliness..

I seem to be in this place of loneliness.

I don't mean to be but every now and then I step back and realize my feelings. Luke is really busy with work and we seem to be freaking out so much about moving that it's a little depressing.

Yesterday was Sven and Elizabeth's wedding, I was working but it was still enjoyable. I looked around and all I could see was groups of people all hanging out and having a good time. Even at the lunch reception everyone had their groups. I noticed that Tracey and I were alone at our table and next to me a group that all seem so close and just a great group of friends.

I've never really had that. The "Pack" of friends. And now the only really good friends I have
I am leaving.

That tears at my heart and puts me in a rough spot. I am leaving the people that matter to me the most. I'm leaving... Funny when you push things out when they hurt and you push them becuase you don't want to deal with the pain. Yuck. have pushed this for a while and now I'm leaving and it hits me like bricks. I am leaving my family and all that matter for what? A chance to persue our dreams and future together a chance to better our selves and push further a head. There is nothing but good coming out of this.. Then why do I feel so guilty?

I think I'm scarred. I look back on past friendships and all that have failed but why? becuase we moved further. Luke and I have been pushing ourselves and encouraging each other to accomplish our goals and dreams and to be constantly dreaming new things, everytime we have pushed further or conquered a battle we loose someone.

When we got married, it was wow Alan and Jenn - 2 of our best friends, when I wanted to persue pure real genuine friendships, I lost Melody. One of my best friends. Through other things and After we got married alot of friendships faded and got lost. But why? We move to QC and now becuase of that Laura Decided to go to Germany and not know when she's coming back. I miss her. My friend that I talked about everything with. I haven't ever met someone like that, someone with the purist intentions and the most loving and giving heart. Now heading off I fear of more losses. Especially Ian and Tracey. Two people that it actually aches in my heart to leave that starts to make me cry when I think of leaving them. how amazing they are and how much they have blessed us and loved us. They have been so good to us and the the thought of loosing them or our friendship fading is like peircing. It makes me sick in my stomach.

father help me

bug eyes peeking around the corner...

2004-08-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

I used to work for this investigation firm and was laid off right before working here.

Everyday we got up each morning and would start our surveillences. Interesting for me becauase it's fun to spy. But somethings are better left unseen.

I remember once recieving a video tape surveilence for a woman who said her neighbor was watching her each night and she was scarred for her safety. Now we got tons of wackos and we thought she was nuts, untill we started to watch the tapes. We carefully placed the hidden cameras around her house and as she had assumed night after night this man appeared, hiding behind cars and throwing things at the house to scare her. One night she came out and started to yell at him. She told him to leave her alone. Screaming into the pitch black street and went inside. As soon as she left camera sight the man popped out again. Over and over like he was almost playing a game himself... Fed up the woman came out again but off her porch and onto the street, without any reason the man came out from behind the snowbank and hit her across the head with a shovel knocking her out cold.

Interesting, all this time i've been on the camera side stopping and arresting and helping those that here wronged, but wow coulsd you imagine being the one in the situation.

Since then I have been screwed by that investigation firm more than once and it has been bad. And she has proven herslf top be crazy and extremey unpredictable and untrustworthy. Lately I feel as if I am constantly being watched. as if she is there surveliencing me. And it is a creepy feeling. I see her face everywhere I go and I feel unsafe....How interesting to now be caught on the other end of the spectrum...

Father protect me .

dancing seamonkeys

2004-08-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

I am freaking out. Like dancing seamonkeys stuck in a jar.

Oh why can't life be easier? When money grows on Trees and shit smells like roses. And work gets done in the blink of an eye and you never have anything to worry about other than clean undies each morning.

Right now everything seems so blurry. HELP me.

we will continue to belive in supernatural provision and answers. Thankyou Lord

dots on the wall.

2004-08-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

do you remember in highschool when you used to sit and listen to the teacher lecture about something you wern't interested, you would find anything else you can do to keep yourself dying of boredom? Like throwning pencils up into the ceiling... I remember in Grade 10 math sitting listening and it being like another language, chinese or something, trigon.. what? and looking at that negative and positive number chart trying to understand how -10 + 8 = -2? what? no wonder I flunked gr.10 back 3 times...

Isn't it interesting that when we don't care about something or have no understanding or intrest, we choose to be even more ignorant and shut down and become numb in any form of learning?

hmm.. I find that even in my day to day conversations, we often hit the "off" switch when we are tired or bored. That we often pretend to be interested or care but a lot of the time, we don't.

How self involved are we? Not just me but everyone, we often complain when we have noone to talk to or be there for us, we claim to be there for our friends but a lot of the time it is a mask and little production we put on to love each other so that they will love us. But what is it for? Just self gratification...

That isn't being selfless

Why do we do the things we do? why do we help others? Why do we listen or do favors...

Think about it, is it for self premotion, self gratification, or really from the heart?

Giving Selflessly...

HOW COOL IS THIS?

2004-08-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

I helped out a lady a couple weeks ago at the conference. God spoke to me in a big way about her and this is the result... God is sooo good!

Dear Heather...

Greetings to you girl! I am so glad you got the little gift and that you liked it! Just a tiny gesture to thank you for making a perfect first impression on TACF... you go girl... keep up the good attitude:) You get an Extra-Excellento!

I am so thankful I got to go to the conference... it set me back to life again. I have been dealing with a lot of discouragement, frustration, emotional stuckness and even (hope you will still like me after I say this) suicidal. There has been too much to deal with, without knowing how to deal with things, or who to turn to. So, God really knew what He was doing by letting me come up there. From the day I got there, He orchestrated everything so amazingly. Too long to go into it all, lots and lots and lots of tears, healing, realizing my need to trust Him no matter what!

I figured it would still be with me upon returning back home and that I'd keep that wonderful free, clear, peaceful, pure, and hopeful presence I received. After back about 12 hours, I felt the hopelessness try to creep back in. It's fighting time, trusting time, reaching out time... my first day back to work I cried. Thinking thoughts of how am I going to make it and how will the next door open. Wanting out to bad, of my current circumstances. It felt so overwhelming, all I could to was cry. But,thanks to DADDY, by the end of the day I was feeling better, stronger and more hopeful. Your email...

was part of that encouragement. So much of what you wrote was what others have spoken over me before. Infact, before coming to Toronto I had a prophesy that God was calling me to "Active Duty." Also, missions is very much in my heart. So, thank you, thank you, thank you for your sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and for being such a beautiful sister.

You are so precious and I so much loved our tiny little pep talk, about our hotel situations. Does God know what He is doing or what? Also, really wanted to meet you after your helpful TACF query emails.

I am currently trying to work on resolving some church stuff that has been painful. And am not sure, at all, what's next. I desire a job change, as well. I have been a Courier for the past 3 years doing the same route and I would like more challenge and insurance benefits. I guess I am with a lot of others in the body... in TRANSITION. Dutch Sheets, an awsome man of God (do you know of him?), said, "I think my transition's in transition!" I can relate, you too?

Anyway, your email made me tear up, in a good way. Thank you again and may the Lord bless you and Mr. Heather in great BIG ways, Amen!

Lovingly,

Lindah

P.S. Last night I practiced my new thing...soaking... and it was so special. I know during this season, God is saying, "Come into the deep with Me!" And I want to! Don't you? BLESS YOU!

>From: "Heather Sinnott"

>Subject: Hi Linda!!

>Date: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 11:24:37 -0400

>Hi Sweetie!

>Bless you soo much! Thanks so much for the hand gel I love that stuff and smells excellent!

>I hope you had an amazing time at the conference, and that God blessed you so much. I hope everything worked out at the hotel and that you were so blessed at the conference. You are such a blessing Linda, God has big plans for you, just keep on trusting in Him and keeping your ears open to what he's saying.

> I keep getting this picture of Marching feet. And I interperate that as you marching into battle, you are a warrior and it's inside you screaming to come out. That you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I see those same feet walking on dirt, and I get the word, missions . Just pick up your sword and march into battle and take back the ground that the enemy has stolen. Linda means Beautiful One,this is funny and you will laugh I see you as this undercover agent, for God. Like those gorgeous spies on James Bond and stuff, that blast the bad guys, you are someone that no one expects to blast the bad guys, ha-ha. Someone that the enemy doesn't expect, ha I am just laughing here because I think it is so funny.

>Here I will tell you what is happening here at the church today, we have made up this game today where everyone is assigned names and a water gun and you shoot your victim unexpectedly with a Water gun if you successfully hit the other person they are out and then the gunman takes on the next person to assassinate.. But no one knows who's name anyone has except the gunman.

>For some reason I felt to share this with you Like you are the secret gunman "the gorgeous secret agent that no one expects" BUT FOR GOD!! How awesome is that! Take back the ground, take back what the enemy has stolen! You have a beautiful and kind heart but the warrior wants out! Stand up! Step out into his Glory and step into the purpose of which He has called you for!

>Bless you!!

>Heather Sinnott

oops

2004-08-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

so I made a BIG booboo and needed to start a new blog thing. So the last blogs all happened on the same day. Ignore that. I had to copy and paste them over to a new blog address today.

sitting in a teacup...

2004-08-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

I found this picture in a magazine yesterday. 2 men sitting in a teacup, drinking wine from a glass wearing scuba diving masks. I didn't read the article below but I wish that I had... the significance... How funny that we really can feel like that. Like mornings when you wake up and you can't remeber what happened the night before. All you know is that you have nothing but underwear on your head in a grassy feild, where am I? with a 4 runner in a tree and reaking like I don't know what? Did something die over here? Who is that? Oh just Jenn... ahem, of course I have grown out of those stages in my life... But spaced out stuck in a place where you aren't sure what is what.

to all blog readers

2004-08-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

To all readers,

as you must have noticed every one of my blogs have been quite negative lately. You'd think I was a crazy, raging something by the way I have been acting. Can you tell I've been having a rough time?

I think that the stress of life is catching up with me. I am a little freaking about moving to Quebec away from my family, away from my home and just in a place that is unfamiliar. Also living in a place where I am surrounded by others is starting to take me for a ride. I need space. I need freredom to be on my own and freedom to paint. My creativity has drawn a blank because I don't feel comfortable where I am. no space of my own to have freedom to let loose and be a paintbrush for God.

Luke and I have had some amazing Prophecies about QC and I should be happy but there is apart of me that doesn't want to leave. Excited about university but so scared about the finances and how everything is going to work out.

wow believe. I am and I am waiting. Luke adn I have jumped in to this witrh complete trust in God so we just need to keep going.

oh and sorry for the harsh blogs lately.

crappy morning

2004-08-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

oww! I just ran over my big toe with an office chair! the dog howling all night long, Luke getting mad becuase it's sleeping on th bed. Messy, dirty house and I didn't do it. Cleaning up after 1 teenage boy is enought to drive you nuts! Man no wonder I'm not ready to have a baby yet. And no wonder my mom is always freaking out. Taking care of a 17 year old is crazy, you can't ever seem to moniter what they are doing. He's worse than the 6 month old puppy. House to House with loud booming brothers. Their voices echo through the halls and rooms like thunder shaking the skies. No private time with my husband with out getting disturbed, right in the middle!! "are you guys coming for dinner?" Oh come on! The door is closed and we don't have our own home right now, why on earth would you distub us? Do you need a sign. Next time I'll leave a tie on the door handle. Right now I need space and I just can't wait to get to Quebec.

Well these Blog things have been doing me good, But They've turned from espressing my heart to expressing my frusterations. Which is good but to everyone else it looks like I'm a raging b**ch.

I'm not quite sure what to do with Nathan... I'm suppose to be the cool older sister that lets him do what he wants without a hassle, but I just don't agree with a lot of the things he does. I had smartened up by now. 17? I already knw who wanted to marry I had my heart figured out and I was alot smarter about right from wrong. I can't stand to watch him hurt himself. Making life decisions that just aren't that wise... But we all learn from our mistakes I guess... He goes on about it's sad when people don't know who they are but it seems that he really is lost in who he is right now. Still trying to figure it out. The thing is he is never going to figure it out with out God.

Well that is all out I must admit I feel alot better.

God be with Him and protect Him. Shine your light and just break through to him, hit him in a way that knocks him off his feet and smartens him up.

He's been doing a lot better since working with Luke he is happier and he talks to my parents and I've seen a lot of improvement.

Thank you God, continue to move in Him and work through Luke to help Nate with the answers he is looking for and help him out. we also trust in you for Provision in our lives, thank you for all that you have done so far. Amen

New Atmosphere

2004-08-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

As I sat driving in the car yesterday morning this music came on in my car. A cd that I really didn't enjoy but one line caught me from turning it off, FLY. I scanned back quickly I wanted to listen to the song. Here's the words that spoke right into my heart.

"Going out to new atmospheres,
New Places,
Going out to new atmospheres,
gotta have new ears,
new ears,
heavenly places x7
New Revelation,
New Revelation,
What are you doing,
where are you going?
gonna give,
some of you have been fighting for a very long time,
been fighting groung warfare for a very long time,
sticking out your fists for a very long time.
God wants to give you new perspectives,
take you to new places,
new revelation,
Arial view, Arial view,
New Perspectives,
I declare over you God has given you the air.
So fly, spread out your wings and
FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Spread your wings.
shake off those things that hold you down.
Spread your wings
and fly,
Just Fly, Fly...
Do you see what I see?
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you want what I want?
Fly____________ I want you here...
FLY__________________________
Freedom, Just Fly_______"

God is so awesome. and claim these words as a living testimony that God is amazing!
Thank you Jesus, every word of this lines up with my heart and my life and all that is happening.

Awake vs Sleep

2004-08-05T07:33:00.000-07:00

Awake and sleepness, sometimes, at some points, is there really a difference?

As I drive into work in the rain, I blankly stare, sleepness or awake? I am definately not that person I am in the morning. I am tired and in a different world, relying on that coffee to perk me up. As I find myself more and more busy I feel lost in this state. Inbetween awake and sleepness. Running like a machine, doing what I'm programmed to do. "Good morning Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship" Do mean it? Probably not, just repeating what I'm told adjusting to societies norms and rules. "Be polite, don't complain, stand up straight." something that we have been taught. So I sit here and stare out the window with a perment smile on my face becuase it's "conference time" I hide all that feel and sit in a trance of this stage of Awakeness and sleep. Running without thinking as I read off the prerecorded schpeel in my mind. "And how may I help you?" do I really want to? No, I want to be in bed sleeping where people can't bother me. I'd rather be painting or doing something I really love. As my mouth moves my mind stops thinking and work mode or sleepness takes it's place and the day begins. "I'll transferr you right away" Good get off the phone so I can listen to someone else complain. Next in Line please! It's all the same. someone new to send the punches and drive one right into my gut. Please remove the knife from my back I really don't appritiate it there... Or the one in my brain, that sits there aching as you twist my words as I listen to yet again another story that I'm going to have to listen to because you call me everyday and tell me the same shit over and over. "We told you maame we can not give you John Arnotts' Address" why don't you stop asking so many stupid questions, honestly do you think we really would give that to you?

sorry some venting thinking.. Give me a break I work for a church in a call centre and make next to nothing.

home sweet home

2004-08-05T07:32:00.000-07:00

we went out to the apt this weekend and it was awesome. The apt was a disaster but it is cute and big and we made it really nice. a little paint can go a long way.

well luke and I had our official bishop's anitiation. ha it was great.

I think we will settle in quickly and it will be really nice there. Already the apt felt a little more ours than when I got there. A nest again! I can't wait... The neighbors are loud 1st year students I might freak on them by the years end but hopefully it will be better than what we experienced this weekend. eek!

Matt and Carrie's Wedding is this weekend!! it will be great. I aM SO EXCITED!

Any way getting back to work.

French Frogs

2004-08-05T07:31:00.000-07:00

Je m'appelle Heather Comment t'appel tu?

Shoot French, yah I can't speak it well barely and I'm moving to Quebec? Am I nuts? Are we nuts? Luke speaks less french than I do. Well we head up there this weekend to paint. We get our apartment, I get to make it my own! This is exciting. A little paint here and there and some personal touches I hope that it becomes home very soon. Classy but modern an excellent mix.

I feel Good about Lennoxville, the atmosphere is so quiet it's so peaceful and I am looking forward to being filled, resting and painting. My art room over looks the houses of Lennoxville which looks like Italy. The Eastern Townships are so beautiful. I'm sure there will be tons of art that come out of there. God is good and feel like we are going there to fight the battles and win back God's ground that has been stolen by the enemy. I'm looking forward to the P&H church there. We will be part of the worship team there and really hope to start up something in the arts, get into what is happening with Bethel,CA and Prophetic Art,I really wamt to sow into them but careful of my boundaries from being sucked dry. I am praying even more a release of annointing in our own Church MCC. I have this really strong feeling that there is going to be a major breakthough of the arts and a release of passions and vision within that church I think it will be amazing.I will be very sad to leave in September MCC has become a real hiome family church to us.

I am reading Purpose Driven Life right now and last night I was reading about not being a mistake. Ha it sounds horrible but it was amazing. That our lives have purpose and that God has designed everything and everyday to go and work a certain way. I know it's stuff I've herd before but it really stuck in my head this time. God really does have a plan for everything and he promises to take care of me and all that is in my life. It will all work out. which is exactly what I need to hear right now as Luke and I were sent our tuition bill for sept school start date. eek. Lord provide.

well I guess the journey continues.. Everyday i am learning new things and I'm excited I think Redding sparked what was dying in me.

California or Bust

2004-08-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

Well we have just returned from San Fransisco. It was great! Nothing like being surrounded by mountains, shopping, relaxing and being in the Sun, best of all just having a break from Work. You never realize how much you need a break until you take one.

Luke started off to Redding, California 2 weeks ago. Recording Bass for a CD for Marc Cooper (One of the musicians from Bethel Church). The Recording went great, it sounds amazing. Luke had a great time at first a little stumble as it was music he had never herd or played as well as the style was a bit different that what he was used to. But it was a great success in the end.

I arrived in the last few days of recording where most of the days I slept. Which was really good, I have been exhausted for ages. We saw some friends we haven't seen in a long time, it was great to reunite! We visited Bethel church, this beautiful Church lead by Bill Johnson. Wow annointed or what! They have this amazing little prayer house and it looks like a large gazebo with all glass windows. It's surrounded in gardens and ponds and tons of greenery and what I loved so much the imprinted Bible verses in the cobblestone. A little get away that you can just go to Relax and Pray. A Place of Refuge. I felt such Peace being there. I've never felt that way before. A place that you sit down and just feel right at home right away. They focus a lot on creativity and the arts and prophetic and how creativity and the arts are a way to Intimacy with the Lord, because it puts you in a place of openness and vulnerability with the Lord. My kind of church.

The most interesting thing happened though. At the church one day one of Luke's Friends came to me and said "I woke up thinking about you this morning, that you are going to get pregnant here in Redding" I took this as a horrible thing to say, yes it would be amazing if Luke and I had a baby but right now we have a lot of school to finish and it just doesn't seem like quite the right time.. (but who knows God may have other plans :)
Anyway! I was shocked by this at first but later that evening I remembered I had been doodling something in my sketchbook. It was an illustration style drawing of a pregnant woman wearing a skirt balancing a big load of 'stuff' on her head. I had drawn it kind of out of my own frusterations dealing with all the 'stuff' in my own head. Not really realizing, I was showing a woman who had wanted to see some of my art work. Coincidentally I began to tell the story about the "pregnancy prophecy" that happened earlier that morning. God started to speak to me. That I was pregnant, not in a physical sence but in a spiritual. That he was about to birth something amazing that will come out. As I looked at the drawing I started to see all of the little shapes I had drawn, how amazing the skirt was shaped as waves like life bursting from someone. like when the water breaks when physical pregnancy occurs, you go into labour and this beautiful being comes of all the mess. So yes right now I am pregnant BUT with new gifts and there is some mess that I am going through, but the waves in the skirt represented that I am going into labour soon and there will be some amazing New life and new gifts that will be born.

Wow how amazing is He? Pretty awesome. I had such a refresh from being there in Redding.

We stayed with Marc and His wife and she is a Prophetic artist, she was so in tune with what God was saying. A few days of being there we went to san Fransisco. She held my hands on the way there and started to Listen to God's voice. She got a picture of a Large flower, it was a painting that she saw me painting. After ages of silence She asked if I use alot of Red when I paint. Without her telling me what she had seen in her vision I asked her why...(it seemed like such a random question) Then began to tell her I am working on a peice and it has alot of fusia (bright pink) but that is new it is the first time I've ever painted with this colour. She began to tell me of this painting she was seeing me paint in this vision this large - huuuge painting of a flower that is pinks and reds and purples and it is beautiful. Luke and I looked at each other and pretty much dropped our jaws, what she described is the exact peice I am working on right now. we told her and I said that I didn't know what the peice meant though that it was just in my heart to paint so I did. She said that it was an expolsion of life and beauty from inside me coming out. wow it was so encouraging! especially after many eye openers with the Lord this week including the "prophetic pregnancy" He just knows that everytime I have doubt he shows me continuously how real he is and how much he loves me and knows more about me than I even do..

wow God is good. It has encouraged me to really see beyond what's infront of me. To see beyond the problem to the answer and to trust what God does in every situation.